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I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? --Paul Merton

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Ever been stuck behind an accident, and when you finally see the wreckage, you’re actually happy? “Things should pick up now, soon as we pass this carnage.” --Paul Reiser

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I have one of those real old American-built cars. The kind that just punches through accidents. –Jim Samuels

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The insurance man told me that my accident policy covered falling off the roof but not hitting the ground. –Tommy Cooper

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I think cops cause more accidents than they prevent. When you're driving and see a copy ahead, what do you do? Slam on the brakes and struggle to get your seatbelt on. Next to every accident you always see a police car. Coincidence? I think not.  --Rob O'Reilly

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I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb.  --Freddie Starr

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I don't get no respect. The time I got hurt, on the way to the hospital the ambulance stopped for gas.  --Rodney Dangerfield

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A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, "Are you comfortable?" The man answers, "I make a nice living."  --Milton Berle

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I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.   --Jack Benny

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Sometimes accidents happen in life from which we have need of a little madness to extricate ourselves successfully.  --Francois de la Rochefoucauld

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Over the weekend, I went to Venice Beach. I went into the ocean, got hit by a wave, and the ocean pulled my trunks completely off. And then threw me onto the beach, naked. And I think, "Well, this is not so bad. Maybe a 'Baywatch' lifeguard will come over and save me. Next thing I know, I'm getting mouth-to-mouth by David Hasselhoff. Ahhh, the taste of hamburger and whiskey. --Craig Ferguson

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Sometimes you have to fall on your butt to get your head pointed the right way." --Anne Lamott

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Today Al Gore blamed the current snow storms on global warming. Al Gore said, 'a rise in global temperature creates havoc ranging from hotter dry spells to colder winters, increasing violent storms, flooding, forest fires and loss of endangered species.' And finally Tipper said, 'Al will you just pay the kid for shoveling the walk, please.'" –Jay Leno

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This is day three of the storm that has snowbliterated the United States. Finally America's extra layer of fat comes in handy. Take that, Michelle Obama." –Jimmy Kimmel

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Did you hear about the tornado in Brooklyn? There's also a kangaroo loose in Mississippi and an earthquake here, a 4.5. A 4.5 isn't huge, but it's big enough to make me poop my pants, though. To be honest, I didn't know about any earthquake, I just pooped my pants. I just used the earthquake as an excuse.  --Craig Ferguson 

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Some guy hit my fender and I said "be fruitful and multiply" but not in those words.  --Woody Allen

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BP has been fined $25 million for causing an oil spill in Alaska five years ago. Or as BP refers to it, 'our warm up spill.'" –Conan O'Brien

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Got so excited by CNN headline "Monster Storms Across U.S.", then so bummed when I found out it was just about the stupid weather. --Andy Richter

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St. Louis International Airport was hit directly by a tornado. They determined that tornadoes are no longer a danger, and now we can go back to being endangered by sleeping air traffic controllers." –Jimmy Kimmel

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A lot of people are worried about the safety of America's nuclear power plants. It's important to remember that we've never had a full meltdown. We came close with Charlie Sheen, though." –Jay Leno

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"I'm sorry to say so but, sadly it's true that bang-ups and hang-ups can happen to you."  --Dr. Seuss

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One friend said that he lived in a town that had been so devastated by the economy that when a tornado recently hit, it did six million dollars worth of improvements! --Rick Joyner

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