1

Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.  --Chris Rock 

2

Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't a presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council.  --Chris Rock 

3

The difference between a drunk and a alcoholic is that a drunk doesn't have to attend all those meetings.  --Arthur Lewis

4

I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.  --Dean Martin

5

I'm not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now.   --Bill Hicks

6

Cigarettes and coffee: an alcoholic's best friend!  --Gerard Way

7

People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim. --Ann Landers

8

I admire addicts. In a world where everybody is waiting for some blind, random disaster, or some sudden disease, the addict has the comfort of knowing what will most likely wait for him down the road. He's taken some control over his ultimate fate, and his addiction keeps the cause of death from being a total surprise. --Chuck Palahniuk

9

To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know, I've done it a thousand times. --Mark Twain

10

My father was a gambler and an alcoholic. He was also very vain. So one day he gave up his vices to save up enough money for a hair transplant. Two days after the transplant was complete, he got drunk and on a twenty-dollar bet he shaved his head. So I owe him twenty dollars. –Margaret Smith

11

I phoned my dad to tell him I had quit smoking. He called me a quitter.  --Steven Pearl

12

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.   --W. C. Fields

13

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.  --Rodney Dangerfield

14

The reason I drink is because when I'm sober I think I'm Eddie Fisher.  --Dean Martin

15

I got so wasted one night I waited for the Stop sign to change, and it did.  --Steve Krabitz

16

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.  --Ernest Hemmingway

17

I got thrown out of Alcoholics Anonymous because when the other clients saw me they thought they were having the DT's  --Dave Dutton

18

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.  --David Daye

19

I drink to make other people interesting  --George Jean Nathan

20

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza  --Dave Barry

21

I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver  --Phil Harris

22

I don't like people who take drugs... Customs men for example  --Mick Miller

23

Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won't cure a cold  --Jerry Vale

24

The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a beer bottle, they're on TV  --Homer Simpson

25

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs  --Robin Williams

26

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer  --
Homer Simpson

27

I always keep a stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy  --WC Fields

28

Forty years since the War on Drugs began. This makes Charlie Sheen our most decorated veteran." –Jay Leno

29

Michelle Obama says her husband, President Obama, has quit smoking. Fox News reported this as 'Obama Destroying the Tobacco Industry.'" –Craig Ferguson

30

Illinois officials report that drug sniffing dogs are wrong as much as 70 percent of the time — probably because they're sniffing drugs all day." –Jay Leno

31

According to government studies, alcohol is more socially damaging than heroin or crack, though not as socially damaging as government studies. --John Alejandro King

32

Yesterday a top aide to Rudy Giuliani was busted for possessing and distributing cocaine. When asked about it, Giuliani said, "Cocaine? I asked him to get me Rogaine." --Conan O'Brien

33

The American Medical Association says that addiction to video games is becoming such a big problem, they're thinking of declaring it an actual medical condition. The video game condition will be called 'chronic persistent virginity.' --Conan O'Brien

34

In a 5-4 decision the court found against the student's speech rights, as the court felt that 'Bong Hits 4 Jesus' constituted an implied pro-drug message. Said the student whose actions five years ago started the whole case quote, 'I did what, now?' --Jon Stewart

35

Some sad news. Al Gore's son, Al Gore III, arrested in Laguna Niguel, California. Police found marijuana in his car. Police searched the car after pulling him over for going 100mph in his Prius. When his dad found out he said, 'Whew, thank God it was a Prius. That could've been so embarrassing.' --Jay Leno

36

Every generation finds the drug it needs.   –P.J. O’Rourke

37

Mexican President Calderon told President Obama that the United States must do more to reduce the demand for drugs. Obama said, 'We got Charlie Sheen off cocaine. What more do you want us to do?'" –Jay Leno

38

The reason I drink is because when I'm sober I think I'm Eddie Fisher." --Dean Martin

39

According to a new study, the average man in Britain will spend 10,000 hours in a bar and 11 years in front of the TV. In this country we know how to multitask. We drink our beer in front of the TV." –Jay Leno

40

Forty years since the War on Drugs began. This makes Charlie Sheen our most decorated veteran." –Jay Leno

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