1
I turned thirty, and suddenly I was at that point in your life where you want to eat Fruity Pebbles. But you're concerned about the fiber content. --Paul Provenza
2
There's one advantage to being 102. No peer pressure. --Dennis Wolfberg
3
I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type. --Bob Hope
4
As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer. --Robert Quillen
5
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. --George Burns
6
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas." --Claude D. Pepper
7
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries. --Bill Cosby
8
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. --Mark Twain
9
It takes a long time to become young. --Pablo Picasso
10
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap. --Bob Hope
11
How young can you die of old age? --Steven Wright
12
Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone. --Jim Fiebig
13
After thirty, a body has a mind of its own. --Bette Midler
14
Forty is the old age of youth; fifty is the youth of old age. --Proverb
15
You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit. --E.A. Gilliam
16
Oh, to be seventy again! --Oliver Wendell Holmes JR, on his 87th birthday while watching a pretty girl
17
He was so old, he sat behind Jesus in the third grade.
18
As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. --Robert Benchley
19
I think when the full horror of being fifty hits you, you should stay home and have a good cry. --Josh Billings
20
At my age flowers scare me. --George Burns
21
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. --George Burns
22
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. --George Burns
23
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there. --George Burns
24
He is alive, but only in the sense that he can't be legally buried. --Geoffrey Madan
25
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. --Woody Allen
26
You know you are getting old; there are certain signs. I walked past a cemetery, and two guys ran after me with shovels. –Rodney Dangerfield
27
The older the fiddler, the sweeter the tune. --Pope Paul VI
28
I know I’m getting older. I pulled my left shoulder out putting peanut butter on a bagel. It was chunky, though. I pulled out my right shoulder putting Ben Gay on my left shoulder. –Jeff Cesario
29
I wake up in the morning, it takes me a half hour to find my glasses, just so I can look for my teeth, to tell my wife to find my hair. --Richard Jeni
30
I recently turned fifty, which is young for a tree, mid-life for an elephant, and ancient for a quarter miler, whose son now says, "Dad, I just can't run the quarter mile with you anymore unless I bring something to read." --Bill Cosby
31
I'm 482 months old; can you tell I'm a new father? --Reno Goodale
32
You know you're old when your birth certificate was a scroll. --Phyllis Diller
33
Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. --Jack Benny
34
I'm sixty years of age. That's 16 Celsius. --George Carlin
35
I'm so old when I order a three-minute egg they make me pay up front. --Henry Youngman
36
As I get older I realize it is the small things that make us happy. But I don’t know if that’s wisdom from age or the constant barrage of life’s disappointments that make you set the bar really low. –Laura Hayden
37
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. --Agatha Christie
38
The date 1/11/11 only happens once every hundred years. When Larry King heard, he said, 'This again?'" –Conan O'Brien
39
In the modern techno-industrial culture, it is possible to proceed from infancy into senility without ever knowing manhood. --Edward Abbey
40
The date 1/11/11 only happens once every hundred years. When Larry King heard, he said, 'This again?'" –Conan O'Brien