1
Traditional American Values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods. --George Carlin
2
I like Florida: everything is in the eighties: the temperature, the ages, and the IQs. --George Carlin
3
My parents moved to Florida --they didn't want to, but they're in the sixties, and that's the law. --Jerry Seinfeld
4
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure. --Ross MacDonald
5
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. --Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
6
Nebraska is the only state where the residents breathe underwater. --Nicole Griffin, on the humidity
7
Living in England, provincial England, must be like being married to a stupid but exquisitely beautiful wife. --Margaret Halsey
8
No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people. --H.L. Mencken
9
American by birth; Texan by the grace of God.
10
America's one of the finest countries anyone ever stole. --Bobcat Goldthwait
11
In this country you are guilty until proven wealthy. –Bill Maher
12
All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian. --Pat Paulsen
13
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago it took two people to carry ten dollar’s worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it. –Henry Youngman
14
The Native Americans say that gambling hasn’t affected their native culture. I heard that directly from Chief Double Down. –Buzz Nutley
15
I’m originally from the Ozarks. Not everyone in the Ozarks lives in a trailer park. There’s a huge waiting list. –Nancy Norton
16
England and America are two countries separated by the same language. --George Bernard Shaw
17
The Constitution of the United States of America, Article V, Section 1: "There shall be a National Anthem containing incomprehensible words and a high note that normal humans cannot hit without risk of hernia." --Dave Barry
18
Miami Beach is where neon goes to die. --Lenny Bruce
19
What's all this stuff about motivation? I say, if you need motivation, you probably need more than motivation. You probably need chemical intervention or brain surgery. Actually, if you ask me, this country could do with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. --George Carlin
20
In Montana, a policeman will pull you over because he’s lonely. --Rich Hall
21
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian. -Robert Orden
22
America is one of the finest countries anyone ever stole. --Bobcat Goldthwait
23
Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. --Richard Lewis
24
In this country you are guilty until proven wealthy. –Bill Maher
25
George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country. --George Carlin
26
This country loves guns, we even have salad shooters. This country thinks that salad is too peaceable, you have to find some way to shoot it. --Bill Maher
27
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either. --Mark Twain
28
Tennessee passed a road kill law that makes it legal for motorists to eat anything they run over. And in Nashville, Denny's introduced its new Pontiac Grand Am Breakfast. -Jay Leno
29
Vice President Joe Biden said there has been no 'substantive damage' to the United States by Julian Assange in the whole WikiLeaks scandal. He says it has been embarrassing, but you can't prosecute people for embarrassing the United States. If that were true, Joe Biden would be serving life in prison." –Jay Leno
30
President Obama met with leaders of 60 American Indian tribes. I don't want to say the country's in bad shape, but he offered to give it back to them." –Jay Leno
31
President Obama is doing business in Latin America this week. I guess regular America isn't good enough for him anymore." –Jimmy Kimmel
32
Newt Gingrich explained why he fooled around on his first two wives by saying he loved this country so much that it led him to cheating. He was so passionate about it he had to take his pants off. When I hear the National Anthem I just put my hand over my heart." –Jay Leno
33
The surface of American society is covered with a layer of democratic paint, but from time to time one can see the old aristocratic colours breaking through. --Alexis de Tocqueville
34
No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public. --Henry Mencken
35
Americans can always be counted on to do the right thing...after they have exhausted all other possibilities. --Winston Churchill
36
America is the first country to have gone from barbarism to decadence without the usual intervening period of civilization. --Oscar Wilde
37
America is an enormous frosted cupcake in the middle of millions of starving people.--Gloria Steinem
38
The American Republic will endure until the day Congress discovers that it can bribe the public with the public's money. --Alexis de Tocqueville
39
California is like an artificial limb the rest of the country doesn't really need. You can quote me on that. --Saul Bellow
40
We British have really everything in common with America nowadays except, of course, language. --Oscar Wilde