1
I saw this water-safety manual that actually says if a shark attacks, you should poke it in the eyes! Who wrote that, the Three Stooges? --Larry Reeb
2
There is nothing funny about dogs playing poker. There is nothing remotely cute about animals with gambling problems. If you look closely at those paintings, you can tell that most of those dogs are playing with money they can't afford to lose. And sadder still, it takes seven of their dollars to make one of ours. --Dennis Miller
3
I just bought a Chihuahua. It's the dog for lazy people. You don't have to walk it. Just hold it out the window and squeeze. --Anthony Clark
4
I like driving around with my two dogs, especially on the freeways. I make them wear little hats so I can use the carpool lanes. --Monica Piper
5
My favorite animal is steak. --Fran Lebowitz
6
I have a guard dog that's half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a guard dog, but a vicious gossip. --Craig Shoemaker
7
Free Puppies - 1/2 cocker, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog --Sign in the Mesaba Airlines mechanics' lounge
8
Guys, am I a rooster or a hen? --Liane Brinkman, trying to figure out the restrooms at a restaurant
9
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money. --Joe Weinstein
10
Other dogs look at French poodles and wonder if they are members of a weird religious cult. --Rita Rudner
11
So it turns out catapults aren't supposed to be used on cats. Oh, well, live and learn. --Scott E. Frank
12
Things that upset a Terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane. --Smiley Blanton
13
The lion and the lamb shall lie down together, but the lamb won’t get much sleep. --Woody Allen
14
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose. --Garrison Keillor
15
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
16
People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening. --Jack Handey
17
Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other. --Robert Benchley
18
Cod are not very good swimmers so they are easily overtaken by trawlers and nets. --British government report on why cod fish are disappearing from the North Sea.
19
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog. --Mark Twain
20
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. --Jack Handey
21
The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight it's enemies is lunch. --Michael Friedman
22
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. --Unknown
23
In dog years I'm dead. --Unknown
24
We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flap? --Jack Handey
25
If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because then I could walk around on two feet with a lot of other guys like me. --Jack Handey
26
Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's that big of a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks that much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life? --Jack Handey
27
Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see. --Jack Handey
28
Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's the least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise. --Jack Handey
29
The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him! --Jack Handey
30
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away. --Jack Handey
31
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?! --Jack Handey
32
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up. --Jack Handey
33
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary! --Jack Handey
34
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw. --Jack Handey
35
People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair. --Jack Handey
36
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him. --Jack Handey
37
I don't say that the bird is "good" or the bat is "bad." But I will say this: At least the bird is less nude. --Jack Handey
38
A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke. --Jack Handey
39
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching. --Jack Handey
40
If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands. --Douglas Adams