1
I adopted a baby. I wanted a highway, but it was a lot of red tape. --Margaret Smith
2
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. --Sam Stevenson
3
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes, so later I can ask him what he meant. --Steven Wright
4
Shouldn't there by some kind of relationship between how much a baby eats and how much comes out the other end? It's like at the circus, where they've got the tiny VW Bug but the clowns just keep coming out and out and out ... Eventually you learn to hold your breath like a Hokkaido pearl diver. --Dennis Miller
5
People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's in water. But certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool. --Elayne Boosler
6
I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother. --Henny Youngman
7
My mother never breastfed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. --Rodney Dangerfield
8
Anyone who uses the phrase "As easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.
9
Babies don't need vacations, but I still see them at the beach. --Steven Wright
10
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half. --Gracie Allen
11
I must confess, I was born at a very early age. --Groucho Marx
12
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS
13
A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss. --Tina Fey
14
My friend has a sixteen-month old. The baby’s crawling around and he has an accident in his diaper. And the mother comes over and says, “Isn’t this adorable? Brandon made a gift for daddy.” I’m thinking this guy must be real easy to shop for on Father’s Day. –Gary Shandling
15
Should we require a seven-day waiting period to have a child, and if so, would it be called the Brady Bunch bill? --Bill Maher
16
Having children gives your life purpose. Right now my purpose is to get some sleep. –Reno Goodale
17
I still can’t believe people that I know, my peers, are making babies. I’m too lazy to make a salad. –Hellura Lyle
18
I asked my husband if he wanted to be in the room with me when I gave birth. He said, “It would have to be a big room, and there would have to be a bar at one end.” --Rita Rudner
19
None of the mothers of my generation quit smoking when they were pregnant. The philosophy then was "I'm smoking for two now." --Reno Goodale
20
Pregnancy is amazing. To think you can create a human being just with the things you have around the house. --Shang
21
Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you. –Ray Romano
22
The most effective birth control I know of is a toddler with the croup and diaper rash. --Kate Zannoni
23
What a childhood! I was breast-fed by my father. --Rodney Dangerfield
24
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty-six hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours. --Rita Rudner
25
Lamaze expects the husband, me, to be there, so that I can witness the festivity. I did not want to be there. This was remarkably painful for my wife. There was nothing my presence could really do to relieve her pain. In other words, I didn't see why my evening should be ruined too. --Dennis Wolfberg
26
When my daughter was born, we videotaped the birth. Now when she makes me angry, I just hit rewind and put her back in. --Grace White
27
You take Lamaze classes. I went. it was a total waste of time. Ain't nobody going to breathe a baby out. There's going to be a fight. --Sinbad
28
For about a month after my baby was born I bragged to everyone that I had the perfect baby because he never cried. Then I realized those baby monitors have volume control. --Frances Dilorinzo
29
I don't get no respect. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. --Rodney Dangerfield
30
I've always, always wanted to give birth. To kittens. I figure it would hurt less, and when you're done, you'd have kittens! --Betsy Salkind
31
People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's in water. But certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool. --Elayne Boosler
32
I was asking my friend who has children, "What if I have a baby and I dedicate my life to it and it grows up to hate me. And it blames everything wrong with its life on me." And she said, "What do you mean, 'if'?" --Rita Rudner
33
When I was born I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half. --Gracie Allen
34
We have a baby now at my house, all day long. And all night long. I wonder why they say you have a baby? The baby has you. --Gallagher
35
You have got to change those diapers every day. When its says "six to twelve pounds" on the side of the Pampers box, they're not lying. That is all those things will hold. --Jeff Foxworthy
36
The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson. --Woody Allen
37
My friend has a sixteen-year old. The baby's crawling around, and he has an accident in his diaper. And the mother comes over and says, "Isn't that adorable? Brandon made a gift for Daddy." I'm thinking this guy must be real easy to shop for on Father's Day. --Gary Shandling
38
I'm 482 months old; can you tell I'm a new father? --Reno Goodale
39
I had a rough childhood. When I was born, the doctor advised me of my rights. -Scott Roeben
40
A flight attendant was fired from Virgin Airlines for placing a baby in an overhead compartment. To be fair, the baby did not fit under the seat." –Conan O'Brien