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If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. --Jack Handey
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Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. --Jack Handey
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I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. --Les Dawson
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I'm originally from the Ozarks. Not everyone in the Ozarks lives in a trailer park. There's a huge waiting list. -Nancy Norton
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People who live in glass houses might as well answer the door. --Morey Amsterdam
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I’m a lazy housekeeper. I run out of toilet paper, I use tissues, run out of tissues, I use cotton balls. You’re just not my friend until you’ve been in my house, on the way to the bathroom, and I can turn to you and say, “Here, take a coffee filter.” --Margot Black
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If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button. --Sam Levenson
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People who live in glass houses make the most interesting neighbors.
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Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them. --Bill Vaughan
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So I live in this apartment that’s disgusting; it’s really dirty. And the kitchen floor is, like, sticky. I had to do something about it, so finally I went out and bought some slippers. –Sarah Silverman
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I made my way downstairs. The stairs lead the way down onto the...street. They lead all the way up too, of course...saves me having two stairways. --Chic Murray
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This week, Ozzie Osbourne sold his mansion in Los Angeles. Ozzie said he had to sell the house because he said, "I could never find it." --Conan O'Brien
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How about a compromise: everybody leave the toilet seat at 45 degrees. --John Alejandro King
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When I first read about voice interactive household appliances, I felt kind of embarrassed, because I thought they already were. --John Alejandro
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It's fine to talk about building a new and better world, so long as we don't lose sight of the profound challenges involved. For example, where are we supposed to get all that extra dirt? --John Alejandro King
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They're going to reveal President Bush's presidential library. The committee in charge of President Bush's presidential library said that they want the building to reflect the spirit of the Bush presidency. In other words, they're just gonna build some stuff, and see what happens. --Conan O'Brien
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It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on Earth has ever produced the phrase, 'as pretty as an airport.' Airports are ugly. Some are very ugly. Some attain a degree of ugliness that can only be the result of a special effort. --Douglas Adams
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Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering. --Marilyn vos Savant
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After all the talk about caves, bin Laden was hiding in a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan. The CIA became suspicious when they learned there was a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan." –Jimmy Kimmel
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