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New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved. --Johnny Carson
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It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago. --Dan Quayle
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New York is like living inside Stephen King's brain during an aneurysm. --Kevin Rooney
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I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do. --Lenny Bruce
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards. --Billy Connolly
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My neighborhood was so tough, I was in a restaurant and on the menu they had broken leg of lamb. –Rodney Dangerfield
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I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. --W.C. Fields
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If our town didn’t have bowling, there would be no culture at all.
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I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines. --Fred Allen
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Las Vegas is the only town in the country where you can have a wonderful time without enjoying yourself. –Henny Youngman
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Fall in New York City is so pretty, watching the trash change colors. –Billiam Coronel
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In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber’s union. –Conan O’Brien
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The results of a new study are out this week saying that New Jersey is one of the most livable states in the country. The study has a margin of error of 100 percent. --Conan OBrien
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Boston's freeway system is insane. It was clearly designed by a person who had spent his childhood crashing toy trains. --Bill Bryson
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In my neighborhood, we say “Yo” to drugs. –Jay London
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I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west." --Richard Jeni
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New York is great though. If you’re here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant. --Dave Letterman
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Montreal's not a city. It's a Disney World for alcoholics. --Mike Wilmot
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New York City mayor Mike Bloomberg says he wants to copy an anti-poverty program that's currently used in Mexico. He wants to use it here. Apparently Mexico has a great anti-poverty program — it's called a bus ticket to Los Angeles. --Conan O'Brien
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I don't think of us (Los Angeles) as one of the most polluted cities in the United States. I think of us as one of the least polluted cities in Mexico. --Jimmy Kimmel
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The White House announced that this summer, President Bush plans to meet with the Mexican president. The two presidents will meet in the capitol of Mexico, Los Angeles. --Conan O'Brien
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New Yorkers like to boast that if you can survive in New York, you can survive anywhere. But if you can survive anywhere, why live in New York? --Edward Abbey
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Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet Union. --P.J. O'Rourke
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Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just thought it was an American city because there were so many Mexicans there." –Jay Leno
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Congratulations to Rahm Emanuel on being elected as mayor of Chicago. How do I know he will win? It's Chicago, I called a guy last week to find out." –Craig Ferguson
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A judged ruled yesterday that Rahm Emanuel cannot run to be mayor of Chicago because they didn't consider him a resident. Today a higher court put a stay on the lower court ruling and ordered that Rahm Emanuel's name be put on the ballot. Why is it so hard to figure out where somebody lives? You know what we should do? Let Netflix decide. If they send you more than five DVDs to one address, that's where you live." –Jay Leno
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