1
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. -- David Letterman
2
Apparently, O.J. Simpson is taking correspondence courses to become a lawyer. I think that's a great idea. He's going to save so much money on his next murder. --David Letterman
3
Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think. --Jack Handey
4
If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said 'inspection'." They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it. --Jack Handey
5
My friend Larry's in jail now. He got twenty-five years for something he didn't do. He didn't run fast enough. --Damon Wayans
6
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. --Johnny Carson
7
Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen. --Woody Guthrie
8
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. --Elayne Boosler
9
By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day. --Robert Frost
10
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? --George Carlin
11
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. --Rodney Dangerfield
12
A Pennsylvania woman convicted for shoplifting was sentenced to wear a badge that reads "Convicted Shoplifter." However, her lawyers hope to plea bargain down to a bumper sticker reading "I'd Rather Be Stealing!" --Jimmy Fallon
13
When they report a crime on the news, why do they always tell us what the suspect was wearing? Unless he’s a Smurf, or my freshman-year calculus teacher, chances are he’s going to change his clothes every day. –Lori Giarnella
14
In Atlanta they’re going to sell ad space on police cars. “This DUI is brought to you by Budweiser.” --Jay Leno
15
Cops pick on me. I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding. --Paula Poundstone
16
If it weren’t for capitol punishment, we wouldn’t have Easter. –Bill Hicks
17
We haven’t been able to find out who shot Tupac or Biggie, and we haven’t been able to find Osama. So far, the only two criminals we’ve been able to catch are Martha Stewart and Chong. –Jimmy Kimmel
18
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. --Aesop
19
I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?" --Emo Phillips
20
They say that guns don't kill people, people kill people. Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people. --Eddie Izzard
21
A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. --Dennis Miller
22
Murderer? Well, that's a harsh word. I prefer to think of myself as a Mortality Technician.
23
According to the L.A. Times, Attorney General John Ashcroft wants to take "a harder stance" on the death penalty. What's a harder stance on the death penalty? We're already killing the guy? How do you take a harder stance on the death penalty? What, are you going to tickle him first? Give him itching powder? Put a thumbtack on the electric chair. --Jay Leno
24
It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies. --Woody Allen
25
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
26
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
27
A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.
28
An escaped prisoner in Alaska was on the run for six hours before he was finally caught near Sarah Palin's hometown of Wasilla. When I think of safe places to run, I think 'the woods near Sarah Palin's house.'" –Jimmy Fallon
29
Police are looking for a man in Phoenix who robbed a bank and told the teller he wanted the money in twenties, forties and sixties. Authorities believe he could be one of President Obama's economic advisers." –Jay Leno
30
Former U.S. House Majority Leader, Tom DeLay, has been sentenced to three years in prison. One year for money laundering and two more for his performance on 'Dancing with the Stars.'" –Jay Leno
31
Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master. --Emo Philips
32
Yesterday at Camp David, President Bush signed a bill into law that expands his wiretapping powers. President Bush said he knew the bill would pass because he had bugs planted in both houses of Congress. --Jay Leno
33
A South Carolina legislator introduced a bill to make it illegal for prisoners to use Facebook. They’re supposed to be doing time, not wasting it." –Jay Leno
34
After bin Laden was killed, the FBI updated its most wanted list. So on behalf of everyone here, I just would like to congratulate Lindsay Lohan on her recent promotion." –Jimmy Fallon
35
New York just passed a law that allows same-sex conjugal visits for prisoners. Isn’t that pretty much what prison is?" –Jimmy Fallon
36
The Federal Trade Commission says for the 11th year in a row the biggest consumer complaint is identity theft. Which led President Obama to say, "That's why you should never show ANYONE your birth certificate." –Jay Leno
37
A woman here in New York was arrested for pouring chili on $700 worth of Victoria's Secret underwear. Or as Rush Limbaugh calls that, foreplay. 'Why don't you slip into something a little more con carni?'" –Jimmy Fallon
38
The TSA has a new program where agents have in-depth conversations with passengers to detect suspicious behavior. Or as most people put it, 'You know what, I'll just take the groping.'" –Jimmy Fallon
39
It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress. --Mark Twain
40
I think it is now time for a significant government reform. I strongly recommend we limit all US politicians to two terms --One in office and One in prison. Illinois already does this, and it seems to be working for them." --Unknown