1
I don't mind death --I just don't want to be there when it happens. --Woody Allen
2
My uncle was a clown for the Ringling Brothers Circus, and when he died all his friends went to the funeral in one car. --Steven Wright
3
I was thinking of committing suicide but I have a tendency to procrastinate, so I just kept putting it off. They say procrastination is a bad thing, but it saved my life. --Shashi Bhatia
4
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with a lot of pleasure. --Clarence Darrow
5
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. --Mark Twain
6
Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the stilts? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around. --Jack Handey
7
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
8
Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, "Thank God, I'm still alive." But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again. -- Barbara Boxer, Senator
9
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite. --Winston Churchill
10
He would make a lovely corpse. - Charles Dickens
11
I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before I start, you have all the jewelry and so forth on the body, because I am NOT unwrapping him later." --Jack Handey
12
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you. --Jack Handey
13
I drank what?? --Socrates
14
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it. --Jack Handey
15
If you're a young Mafia gangster on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. --Jack Handey
16
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money." --Jack Handey
17
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. -- Johnny Carson
18
I didn't know he was dead. I thought he was British.
19
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it. --W. Somerset Maugham
20
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. --Yogi Berra
21
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. --Winston Churchill
22
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. --Joseph Stalin
23
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. --Woody Allen
24
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. --Woody Allen
25
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one. --Cato the Elder (234-149 B.C.)
26
He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend; provided, of course, he really is dead. --Voltaire
27
Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe. --Dennis Leary
28
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. --Brooke Shields (during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign)
29
I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry. --Robert Benchley
30
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. --Groucho Marx
31
Many people die at twenty five and aren't buried until they are seventy five. --Max Frisch
32
When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction. --Steven Wright
33
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? --Woody Allen
34
Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway. -- Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review
35
Dying is just natures way of saying "Hey! Your not alive anymore!"
36
I've just read that I'm dead. Don't forget to delete me from your list of subscribers. --Rudyard Kipling, writing to a magazine that had mistakenly published an announcement of his death
37
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian. --Woody Allen
38
Based on what you know
about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing
if he were alive today?
1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2) Advising the President.
3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
--David Letterman
39
Ralph Waldo Emerson is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death. --Hector Hugh Munro
40
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. --Fred Allen