1
I had the worst study habits in the history of college, until I found out what I was doing wrong --highlighting with a black magic marker. --Jeff Altman
2
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling. --Jack Handey
3
You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day. –Jay Mohr
4
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? --Warren Hutcherson
5
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? --John Mendoza
6
My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band." --Steven Wright
7
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the question. --Jack Handey
8
It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man. --Professor Scott Elledge on his retirement from Cornell
9
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. --Mark Twain
10
Learning at some schools is like drinking from a fire hose.
11
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that. --Jack Handey
12
You learn how to wash clothes different in college. At home you have "colors," "whites," "delicate" ...in college, it's "dirty," DIRTY!" and "funky." --Sinbad
13
If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject. --Jack Handey
14
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, then Jumping Off Something. --Jack Handey
15
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers? --Jack Handey
16
I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I? --Jack Handey
17
When I was in the third grade, a bully at school started beating me up, every day. At first I didn't say anything, but then I told Dad. He got a real scared look on his face and asked if the bully had a big dad. I said I didn't know, but he still seemed scared, and just a few days later we moved to a new town. Dad told me if anybody picked on me not to fight back, unless I knew the kid didn't have a dad or the dad was real small. Otherwise, he said, "Just curl up in a ball." --Jack Handey
18
A professor is someone who talks in someone else's sleep. --W.H.Auden
19
The graduate with a
Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How
does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much
will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you
want fries with that?"
20
On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
21
I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up. --Lenny Bruce
22
Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth. --Will Rogers
23
Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children. --Dan Quayle
24
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. --Emo Philips
25
Those who can, do; those who can't, teach. --George Bernard Shaw
26
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones. --Mike Barfield
27
When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped. --Marcel Achard
28
I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves. --Ellen DeGeneres
29
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students. --John Ciardi
30
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. --English Professor, Ohio University
31
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. --P. Erdos
32
It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. they're in front of you in the supermarket express lane. --June Henderson
33
Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber, donated many of this writings to the University of Michigan. The pagers are an invaluable resource for students majoring in Crazy. --Jimmy Fallon
34
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. --Fred Allen
35
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. --Robert Benchley
36
Of course there's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates.
37
John Walker Lindh, a twenty-year-old American studying in Pakistan, was captured in Northern Afghanistan fighting for the Taliban. Experts call it the worst semester abroad program ever. --Jimmy Fallon
38
The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper. --Smith & Jones
39
When I went to college, my parents threw a going-away party for me, according to the letter. –Emo Phillips
40
I could have been a doctor, but there were too many good shows on TV. –Jason Love