1
Part of me will never leave Vegas... the part of me that had little president heads on it, and goes in your wallet. --Tom Gerding
2
Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they've caused? --Jack Handey
3
To all those people who said my show wouldn't last, I have one thing to say, "Good call!" --Jon Stewart
4
Remember when Sinead O'Connor tore up that picture of the Pope on Saturday Night Live? Think about it: A little bald guy in a dress is attacked on national television by another little bald guy in a dress. –Margaret Cho
5
I like craps. Learn craps before you go. Good game. You can lose so slowly, it's almost like winning! --Tom Gerding
6
This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some country. --Clint Eastwood
7
The Fox and the Hound. Gut-wrenching movie. --Fred Wiles
8
They should make a sequel to Four Weddings and a Funeral and call it Four Baby Showers and a Housewarming. --Lori Marsh
9
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not. --Jack Handey
10
I see a party in the works, no matter what. --Ben Cramer
11
Chinese President Hu Jintao made his first official state visit to the Unites States. Vice President Joe Biden has been asked not to do his 'Hu's on first' routine." –Jimmy Kimmel
12
I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don't know why we should do this, but my Gosh, we've got to try something. --Jack Handey
13
Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member. --Groucho Marx
14
If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life. --Jack Handey
15
You know it's not a good wax museum when there are wicks coming out of people's heads. --Rick Reynolds
16
The Hollywood tradition that I like best is called “sucking up to the stars." --Johnny Carson
17
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev. --Robin Williams
18
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. --Bob Hope
19
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. --Woody Allen
20
If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it. --George Burns
21
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth--even if it costs him his job. --Samuel Goldwyn
22
Shoot a few scenes out of focus. I want to win the foreign film award. --Billy Wilder
23
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. --Bob Hope
24
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. --George Gobal
25
We don't want the television script good. We want it Tuesday. --Dennis Norden
26
After The Wizard Of Oz I was typecast as a lion, and there aren't all that many parts for lions. --Bert Lahr
27
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR officers. --Daniel J. Boorstin
28
My reputation grows with every failure. --George Bernard Shaw
29
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. --Ed Gardner
30
I went to watch Pavarotti once. He doesn't like it when you join in. --Mick Miller
31
People are wrong when they say opera is not what it used to be. It is what it used to be. That is what's wrong with it. --Noel Coward
32
It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you. --Will Rogers
33
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. --George Carlin
34
Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera. --James Stephens
35
Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that." --George Carlin
36
Most of the time Marlon Brando sounds like his mouth is full of wet toilet paper. --Rex Reed
37
When Peter Beardsley appears on television, daleks hide behind the sofa. --Nick Hancock
38
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. --Paul Beatty
39
A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstein but with the attention span of Daffy Duck. --Tom Shales talking about Robin Williams
40
If all the world is a stage, where are the audience sitting? --Unknown