1
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. --Mark Twain
2
My father wore the pants in the family --at least, after the court order. --Vernon Chatman
3
We asked Dad if we could have a trampoline, but he said no, that they were too dangerous and too expensive. But then we went and talked to the trampoline salesman at the store, and he said they weren't too expensive or dangerous. I think I'm still sorta mad at Dad for lying to us like that. --Jack Handey
4
My dad, he's a nuclear physicist, my mom, she's a mathematician, my brother is a chemical engineer --and I like to color. --Shashi Bhatia
5
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in. --Henny Youngman
6
I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear. --Jack Handey
7
Nobody loves me like my mother, and she could be jivin’, too. --B.B. King
8
Mother, food, love, and career are the four major guilt groups. --Cathy Guisewite
9
Grandpa used to describe the size of everything in terms of a calf. For instance, if he was describing a large dog, he would say it was "about as big as a calf." Or about a car, he would say it "could seat four calves comfortably." (Oh, that was another thing: how many calves could ride in something). One time he was talking about a calf he had, and I asked him how big it was. He said it was "about three-quarters as big as a calf." Sometimes Grandpa would tell time by calves. If you asked him how long something would take, he'd say, "About as long as it takes a calf to drive over here." --Jack Handey
10
The day my mother-in-law called, the mice threw themselves on the traps. --Les Dawson
11
I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the roof with his Superman cape on. "Get down!" yelled Uncle Lou. "Don't move!" screamed Grandma. But Grandpa wouldn't listen. He walked to the edge of the roof and stuck out his arms, like he was going to fly. I forget what happened after that. --Jack Handey
12
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot -- but I always found them. --Rodney Dangerfield
13
One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it to you. --Jack Handey
14
I'll never forget the time we were at the beach and we buried Uncle Joe in the sand. Boy, did we get in trouble! In fact, we got arrested. It turns out you can't bury people at the beach. Only at the cemetery. --Jack Handey
15
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. --Dick Cavett
16
I guess one of the funniest memories of my grandfather was the time I was at his house and that tied-up man with the gag in his mouth came hopping out of the closet and started yelling that HE was really my grandfather and the other guy was an imposter and to run for help. Who was that guy?! Oh, well, never saw HIM again. --Jack Handey
17
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. --Rodney Dangerfield
18
When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out. --Erma Bombeck
19
Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years.
20
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. --Emo Phillips
21
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. --George Burns
22
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. --Ken Dodd
23
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. -- Jack Handey
24
When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead. --Jeff Shaw
25
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. --Captain Penny's Law
26
If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right. --Bill Cosby
27
My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own fatherhood, but it didn't because parenting can only be learned by people who have no children. --Bill Cosby
28
Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet. --Bill Cosby
29
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. --Phyllis Diller
30
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. --Phyllis Diller
31
Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you. –Ray Romano
32
We never talked, my family. We communicated by putting Ann Landers articles on the refrigerator. –Judy Gold
33
We used to terrorize our babysitters when I was little, except for my grandfather because he used to read to us from his will. –Janine DiTullio
34
I have an 18-year-old; her name is Alexis. I chose that name because if I hadn’t had her, I’d be driving one. –Robin Fairbanks
35
After watching the Kevorkian trial I asked my father, “Do you think a family should have the right to withdraw life support on a loved one?” He said, “It depends on which kid.” --Hugh Fink
36
I come from a typical American family. Me, my mother, her third husband, his daughter from a second marriage, my stepsister, her illegitimate son. –Carol Henry
37
I’ve thought about having a family. I just haven’t seen any that really appeal to me. –Laura Kightlinger
38
My son has a new nickname for me, “Baldy.” Son, I’ve got a new word for you, “Heredity.” --Dan Savage
39
I don't visit my parents often because Delta Airlines won't wait in the yard while I run in. --Margaret Smith
40
My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: “What are you looking at?” --Margaret Smith