1
Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls. --Phyllis Diller
2
I went on that new fourteen-day diet, and all I lost was two weeks. --Sheila Kay
3
Forget low fat. My father used to take them hamburgers right off the grill, 95 percent fat, the other 5 percent lighter fluid. --Jack Coen
4
McDonald's "breakfast for under a dollar" actually costs a lot more than that. You have to factor in the cost of coronary bypass surgery. --George Carlin
5
This country loves guns, we even have salad shooters. This country thinks that salad is too peaceable, you have to find some way to shoot it. --Bill Maher
6
I went on a diet. Actually I had to go on two diets at the same time 'cause one diet wasn't giving me enough food. –Barry Marter
7
We don't like used chicken, er, I mean... --Will Leif, trying to think of the word 'leftovers'
8
Have you ever been in one of those? A revolving restaurant? It's like a restaurant on a stick. --Jessica Zahner
9
For dinner we're having jet exhaust chicken. --Joe Marsh
10
All kinds of crap on a pancake. --Jeff Roemhildt, on Ethiopian food
11
What good is apple pie without a little 'stinky feet cheese' on the side? --Van Allen
12
Pancake for your sorrows? --Keith Haessly, viewing a news report on a pancake supper for fire victims
13
Food is an important part of a balanced diet. --Fran Lebowitz
14
I'm on a Valium diet. I take four for breakfast, and the rest of the day the food keeps falling out of my mouth. --Max Alexander
15
Cooking tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and throw them out. --Nicole Hollander
16
A favorite dish in Kansas is creamed corn on a stick. --Jeff Harms
17
I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it. --Clarence Darrow
18
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my gosh.…I could be eating a slow learner. --Lynda Montgomery
19
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. -- Woody Allen
20
Mother, food, love, and career are the four major guilt groups. --Cathy Guisewite
21
You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six. --Yogi Berra
22
If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it. --Jack Handey
23
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh? --Jack Handey
24
Once, when I got lost in the woods, I was afraid that eventually I might have to eat Tippy. But finally I found my way home, and I was able to put Tippy back in the refrigerator with my other sandwiches. --Jack Handey
25
The smell of Aunt Lucy's pies would make me come a-runnin'. But the sight of Aunt Lucy's face would make me run away. --Jack Handey
26
I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit. --Jack Handey
27
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality. --Jack Handey
28
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
29
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. --Steven Wright
30
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
31
If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks. --Brendan Behan
32
You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label. --Mark Twain
33
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are. --Matt Lauer
34
Nouvelle Cuisine, roughly translated, means: I can't believe I paid ninety-six dollars and I'm still hungry. --Mike Kalin
35
The most dangerous food is wedding cake. --American Proverb
36
Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing. --Denis Leary
37
It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers have been all over it. --Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine
38
No amount of sizzle will make a bad steak good.
39
Ingredients as fresh as they were 27 years ago. —Slogan of the Biscuitville restaurant.
40
The only two things I don't eat for breakfast are lunch and dinner.