The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. --Lucille Ball
1
Every year at Christmastime a whole set of emotions sweeps over me -- emotions which probably go back to my childhood. The first emotion is wondering if I'm going to get any presents. Then it changes to "Hooray, I got some presents!" Then it changes to "Is that all the presents I got?" --Jack Handey
2
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for another job the next day. --Phyllis Diller
3
My father was cheap. Every year he’d say, “I’m glad Christmas comes but once every other year.” --John Roy
4
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus. Unfortunately, so did my parents. So I never got anything. –Charlie Viracola
5
If I had the time to sit down and write a thank-you note to everyone who sent me a nice, expensive present, what a wonderful world that would be. --Jack Handey
6
Last Christmas my sister, Geri, gave me a lovely Cloth calendar. It only took me 5 hours to sew in a Doctor's appointment. -- Robert Paul
7
Don’t fall for this scam: There is no such thing as a free-range Christmas tree. I paid an extra fifty dollars. I think I did something else stupid. When I bought my Christmas tree I let the salesman talk me into the extended three-year warranty. –Jay Leno
8
I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin. --Winston Spear
9
The kids showed up trick-or-treating and they caught me off guard. I didn’t have any candy, so I ran to the bathroom and luckily in the medicine cabinet I found an old box of Sucrets. –David Letterman
10
Last Christmas they went around Beverly Hills giving food packages to people with only one pool.
11
I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he bought a present for my mother. –Rita Rudner
12
United Airlines just gave out their Christmas bonuses. Each employee gets five minutes to rifle through passengers’ luggage. –Jay Leno
13
Getting your grandma a cell phone that sends emails and takes pictures is a great way to confuse her three times with one gift. –Craig Kilborn
14
You know what makes good hair for a snow man? REAL hair. Don't ask me why, but it works. --Jack Handey
15
I walked into a store and said, "It's my wife's birthday. I'd like to buy her a beautiful pen." The clerk winked at me and said, "A little surprise, heh?" I said, "Yes, she's expecting a Cadillac." --Henry Youngman
16
My friend has a sixteen-year old. The baby's crawling around, and he has an accident in his diaper. And the mother comes over and says, "Isn't that adorable? Brandon made a gift for Daddy." I'm thinking this guy must be real easy to shop for on Father's Day. --Gary Shandling
17
It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.” --Sam Levenson
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On my sixteenth birthday my parents tried to surprise me with a car, but they missed. --Tom Cotter
19
The "I just woke up" face of your 30's is the "all day long" face of your 40's” --Libby Reed
20
Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake. --Unknown
21
I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin. -Winston Spear
22
No wonder I'm unhappy - My twin forgot my birthday. --Jerry Dennis
23
New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive. --Jay Leno
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A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. --Erma Bombeck
26
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me. --Rodney Dangerfield
27
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. --Steven Wright
28
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit. --George Burns
29
The day which we fear as our last is but the birthday of eternity. --Seneca
30
Washington's birthday is as close to a secular Christmas as any Christian country dare come this side of blasphemy. --Alistair Cooke
31
I'm six foot eleven. My birthday covers three days. --Darryl Dawkins
32
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday.'” --Steven Wright
33
Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we areto the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing. --Jerry Seinfeld
34
I have the same New Year’s resolution every year: I decide to drink heavily. Because I know I can do it, which will build my self-esteem. –Betsy Salkind
35
United Airlines just gave out their Christmas bonuses. Each employee gets five minutes to rifle through passengers' luggage. --Jay Leno
36
Happy Presidents Day. Or, as it's being called in the Middle East, Happy Overthrow Your Presidents Day. –Conan O'Brien
37
Happy Presidents Day. This is a day when we celebrate history by getting great deals on mattresses. –Craig Ferguson
38
I'm glad we have a day
for the presidents, but shouldn't we have a day for Congress when the
Senate and the House can kick back and not worry about getting anything
done? Oh, wait. –Craig Ferguson
39
Happy birthday to Dick Cheney. I think he's 70 years old. Dick celebrated by shooting a cake." –David Letterman
40
They had a party at Dick Cheney's house and he invited 12 people to his birthday party. At midnight he told them, 'Only 11 of you will be leaving with a heart.'" –David Letterman