1
Electrocution--Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
2
Gravity isn't easy, but it's the law.
3
I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably use a cheap ice pick. --Jack Handey
4
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. ‑‑Roy Santoro
5
The reason there is so little crime in Germany is that it's against the law. --Alex Levin
6
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, 'Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that.'" --Jack Handey
7
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. --Norm Crosby
8
As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so. --Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
9
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. --Mark Twain
10
Only Lawyers and mental defectives are automatically exempt for jury duty. --George Bernard Shaw
11
A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth. --Patrick Murray
12
Where there is no patrol car, there is no speed limit. --Peter Beckmann
13
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. --David Dinkins, New York City Mayor
14
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
15
That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it. --A Congressional Candidate in Texas
16
Jack Warner has oilcloth pockets so he can steal soup. --Wilson Mizner
17
Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bast*rd. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in. --Harry S. Truman
18
When the President does it, that means that it's not illegal. --Richard Nixon
19
The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night. --Otto von Bismarck
20
In this country you are guilty until proven wealthy. –Bill Maher
21
We're abandoning the color coded warning system for terror alerts and are going back to the old system of tagging people with beards. --Jimmy Kimmel
22
Vice President Joe Biden was called for jury duty. He can get out of it if he can convince the judge that his presence at his job is essential. So he’s going to jury duty." –Jay Leno
23
A group of TSA workers at LAX airport have formed a choir to sing to passengers. That's just what you want, a guy with his hands down your pants going, 'Do you feel what I feel?'" –Jay Leno
24
On Capitol Hill Attorney General Alberto Gonzales raised his right hand, swore to tell the truth, and then everybody had a good laugh and went back to what they were doing. --Jay Leno
25
Paris Hilton is going to prison. Paris Hilton's fans have contacted Governor Schwarzenegger to ask for a pardon for Paris Hilton. The reason they want the governor to pardon Paris Hilton is because she brings beauty and excitement to their lives. There's a precedent for this -- that's exactly why Ford pardoned Nixon. --David Letterman
26
We Americans like to say we can't be the world's policeman. But at 2 o'clock in the morning, who's sitting in the world's donut shop wearing Kevlar and a nine-millimeter, eating Bavarian Crèmes? --John Alejandro King
27
Vice President Joe Biden was called for jury duty. He can get out of it if he can convince the judge that his presence at his job is essential. So he’s going to jury duty." –Jay Leno
28
29
30
Attorney: Where you
shot in the fracas?
Witness: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
-testimony from court records
31
Attorney: What is your
date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Attorney: What year?
Witness: Every year.
-testimony from court records
32
Attorney: This
myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
you’ve forgotten?
-testimony from court records
33
Attorney: Now doctor,
isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know
about it until the next morning?
-testimony from court records
34
Witness: Sure, I played
for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Attorney: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
-testimony from court records
35
Attorney: So the date
of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?
-testimony from court records
36
Attorney: How far apart
were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
-testimony from court records
37
Attorney: You say the
stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And these stairs, did they go up also?
-testimony from court records
38
Attorney: Did you ever
sleep with him in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
Witness: No
-testimony from court records
39
Attorney: Is your
appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I
sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
-testimony from court records
40