1
The older you get the lower your standards get. I used to be so picky. Oh, when I get married he's doing to be tall, handsome, rich ..and now I'm down to: registered voter. I'd marry a midget just for the handicapped parking. --Kathleen Madigan
2
I'd like to get married again, but I'm afraid of that marital commitment --we're talking two, three years of my life. --Maura Kennedy
3
Marriage is very difficult. Marriage is like a 5,000 piece jigsaw puzzle --all sky. --Cathy Ladman
4
John Hinkley is the guy who shot President Reagan. He recently asked the court for more freedom. He says he wants twelve hours a month of unsupervised time. Twelve hours a month to himself. Hey, even married guys don't get that. --Jay Leno
5
ABC News says Americans spend $300 billion every year on games of chance, and that doesn't include weddings and elections. --Argus Hamilton
6
Penguins mate for life. Which doesn't exactly surprise me, 'cause they all look exactly alike. It's not like they're gonna meet a better-looking penguin someday. --Ellen DeGeneres
7
My wife divorced me because of illness. She got sick of me. --Anonymous
8
Hollywood brides keep the bouquet and throw away the groom. --Groucho Marx
9
I'm a firm believer in getting married in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day. --Mickey Rooney
10
Why can't somebody invent something for us to marry besides women. --Fred Flintstone
11
A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions that your wife asks for nothing. –Joey Adams
12
She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. --Tommy Manville
13
My husband says he needs more space. So I locked him outside. --Roseanne
14
In temple I kept hearing Jewish men make good husbands. And I’m thinking, “Then who’s this guy living in my house?” –Betsy Salkind
15
It's relaxing to go out with my ex-wife because she already knows I'm an idiot. --Thomas Warren
16
At a wedding, you never hear a man clearly say, “I do,” because we figure we can get out of it later on a technicality. –Sinbad
17
Ladies, you may think you married the man of your dreams… but 15 years later you’re married to a reclining chair that burps. –Roseanne
18
Hon, you're not a geek --you just need a tan! --Oanh Heiser
19
After you’ve been married for a while, the women will start choosing your clothes. If you protest they’ll say, “Dressing is a privilege. You abused it and now you’ve lost it.” --Cary Long
20
Once a friend of my ex-husband came up to me and said, “Your ex-husband jokes are mean.” I said, “That may be true, but which among his friends has been cruel enough to explain them to him?” --Brett Butler
21
My dad came to my wedding day with this advice, “Son, don’t ever cheat on your wife. You don’t want to risk life’s happiness for eight minutes of pleasure.” “You’re up to eight minutes?” --Mark Klein
22
Men reach their sexual peak at 18. Women reach their sexual peak at 35. Do you get the feeling that God is into practical jokes? We're reaching our sexual peak right around the same time they're discovering they have a favorite chair. --Rita Rudner
23
Marriage was not a guy's idea. You know a woman came up with this and some guy fell for it, hook, line and sinker: "Let me get this straight... I never sleep with anyone else ever again and if things don't work out, you get to keep all my stuff? That's great!" --Bobby Slayton
24
Your wedding video was pretty dull so I added in some ninjas. --Tom Heiser
25
That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle the Vatican has overlooked. --Bill Cosby
26
I don't have to impress anybody. I'm married. --Jackie Mackey
27
The Senate has proposed and passed the tax cut for marriage. Married people apparently had been paying more in taxes, and Republicans feel that marriage is a penalty in itself. --Bill Maher
28
I've been married so long I'm on my third bottle of Tabasco sauce. --Susan Vass
29
When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason -- there's a reason. --Molly Mcgee
30
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. --Oscar Wilde
31
It's relaxing to go out with my ex-wife because she already knows I'm an idiot. --Thomas Warren
32
One man's folly is another man's wife. -- Helen Rowland
33
Any man today who returns home from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his supper is a man with an appetite for danger. --Bill Cosby
34
My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.
35
By all means marry: If you get a good wife you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. --Socrates
36
When a woman gets married, it’s like jumping into a hole in the ice in the middle of winter: you do it once and you remember it the rest of your days. --Maxim Gorky
37
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. --Maryon Pearson
38
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. --Rita Rudner
39
"Honey, these past three years of being married to you have felt like fifteen minutes... underwater." --Youth Pastor Sam Lenore
40
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. --Unknown