1

Hillary Clinton says she tries not to miss 'Grey's Anatomy.' Bill said, 'I watched it once. Not enough anatomy.'" —Jimmy Fallon

2

Egypt has responded to hundreds of thousands of protesters by shutting down the internet. Listen, if you want people to stay home and do nothing, turn the internet back on." –Conan O'Brien

3

President Obama made his annual State of the Union address tonight from Washington, D.C. It was on all the channels. One of the shows they pre-empted was an hour of "America's Biggest Loser," which means all those fat people exercised this week for no reason at all." –Jimmy Kimmel

4

Arnold Schwarzenegger said being Governor of California cost him at least 200 million dollars in lost movie roles. Moviegoers everywhere said, 'Totally worth it.'" –Conan O'Brien

5

Justin Bieber is Canadian, and so is Celine Dion and William Shatner. It makes me wonder: Are we guarding the wrong border?  --Craig Ferguson

6

The whole world has Bieber fever. It’s what happens whenever a pop frenzy becomes a disease. There was also Beatle Mania, the Miley Cyrus Virus, and the Hasselhoff Cough. --Craig Ferguson

7

It's a 3-year-old boy that [Angelina Jolie] and Brad Pitt are going to raise. He was abandoned at the hospital as an infant, and Angelina says she fell in love with him the minute she saw Jennifer Anniston playing with him. --Jimmy Kimmel

8

Keith Richards from the Rolling Stones unleashed a bombshell today. He told a British magazine today that he snorted his father. He said that after his father was cremated, he couldn’t resist grinding up his ashes with cocaine and snorting him. Stars. They're just like us. --Jimmy Kimmel

9

Plans are underway for movie about the Clinton Whitewater scandal. They're trying to get Charlize Theron to play Susan MacDougal. If that happens, Bill Clinton will play himself. --Jay Leno

10

New Rule: Screenwriters have to think up a new cliché for single people other than the carton of stale Chinese food in the refrigerator. According to every movie and TV show ever made, all single people have that one carton of Chinese food, and then they smell it and recoil from the stench. And that's how we know they're single. How about this instead? Just show the character having sex and that's how we know they're not married? --Bill Maher

11

Michael Jackson is in the Middle East. Bahrain. He's appearing at a private birthday party for $10 million. It's a children's birthday party. It's only $10 million, but it's all Michael could afford. --Craig Ferguson

12

Paris Hilton told Larry King being stripped searched was the most humiliating experience of her life; then she asked Larry, "You make all your guests do that?" --Jay Leno

13

Arnold Schwarzenegger said being Governor of California cost him at least 200 million dollars in lost movie roles. Moviegoers everywhere said, 'Totally worth it.'" –Conan O'Brien

14

TV is chewing gum for the eyes. --Frank Lloyd Wright

15

Walter Cronkite's influence on the news is still felt today, in that news anchors still wear ties. Other parts of his legacy have become obsolete. For instance, dispassionate reporting is fine for covering the 1968 Chicago Democratic Convention, but not for an issue as complex as Octomom. Sadly, Cronkite's passing is not getting the kind of cable news attention I believe it deserves. I watched the coverage this weekend and I didn't see one helicopter shot of his home. I don't even think his family has booked the Staples Center yet.  --Stephen Colbert

16

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. --David Letterman

17

Fox News announced today that Glenn Beck will leave his show later this year. It's nothing personal. He just wants to spend more time with the voices in his head. --Jimmy Fallon

18

If it weren't for the laugh track, how would we know when to stop laughing? --John Alejandro King

19

The good news: Osama bin Laden is dead. The bad news: there is no bad news." –Jay Leno

20

Political analysts say that Oprah Winfrey can help deliver to Obama the white, middle-class female vote. They also say Dr. Phil could deliver the fake doctor vote." –Conan O'Brien

21

Cher tweeted that Michele Bachmann needs to go back to school and take a history class. Michele Bachmann said, 'Because of that comment I'm going to make my husband take down his Cher posters.'" –Conan O'Brien

22

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers.   --Daniel J. Boorstin

23

24

25

26

27

28

29

30

31

32

33

34

35

36

37

38

39

40

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10