1
Yesterday I was walking down the street wearing my eyeglasses and all of a sudden my prescription ran out. --Steven Wright
2
I had a cholesterol test: They found bacon. --Bob Zany
3
I had a chest X ray last month, and they found a spot on my lungs. Fortunately, it was barbecue sauce. --George Carlin
4
I had surgery this year. Nothing serious, thank God. But just before I went under I heard the one thing you don't want to hear, "Where's my lucky scalpel?" --Jonathan Katz
5
What's great about aspirin is that no matter how long you suck on it, it never loses its flavor. --Gregg Rogell
6
I tried Slimfast: one delicious shake in the morning and then migraines and diarrhea all day. I hope the Dodgers suffer. Tommy Lasorda selling that stuff. That's why you never see him arguing on the field anymore. –Elayne Boosler
7
Nancy Reagan has agreed to be the world's first artificial heart donor. –Andrea C. Michaels
8
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. --Henry Youngman
9
I recently became a Christian Scientist. It was the only health plan I could afford. --Betsy Salkind
10
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when my prescription ran out. –Steven Wright
11
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch up my X rays. --Henry Youngman
12
I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not? --Jack Handey
13
Reports are sketchy, but we have heard that in the first heart transplant operation in Belgium, both patient and donor are doing fine. --Radio news announcer
14
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial. --Irvin S. Cobb
15
I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long, personal talk. After that, I'm not sure, but maybe you could throw water in his face or something. --Jack Handey
16
The dentist said my wisdom teeth were retarded.
17
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. --Jack Handey
18
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend. --Jack Handey
19
If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and wash my car; third, shine all my shoes. There, isn't that better? --Jack Handey
20
If I ever needed a brain transplant, I'd choose a sportswriter because I'd want a brain that had never been used. --Norm Van Brocklin
21
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. --Rita Mae Brown
22
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. --Spike Milligan
23
We've made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy.
24
I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite. --Les Dawson
25
Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself. --Mike Wilmot
26
I used to be a schizophrenic, but we're okay now.
27
I have Bright's disease and he has mine. --S.J. Thomas
28
I was a boring child. Whenever we played doctor, the other children always made me the anesthesiologist. –Rita Rudner
29
I had a lazy eye as a kid, and it gradually spread to my whole body. –Tom Cotter
30
Did you ever try to pick one of those cold medicines out? You stand there going "This one is quick-acting, but this one is long-lasting. Which is more important, the present or the future?" --Jerry Seinfeld
31
An Arizona company is selling a scratch-and-sniff test to screen for Alzheimer's disease. Apparently, if you scratch the panel but then forget to sniff, you've got Alzheimer's. --Jimmy Fallon
32
The Republicans are administering a new inner-city health policy called "Walk it Off." --Stephen Colbert
33
A mind is a terrible thing to waste... That's why I save it for special occasions.
34
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
35
My dad is a dentist. Four out of five dentists recommend sugarless gum to their patients who chew gum. Who is the fifth dentist? My old man. “Go ahead, chew all the sugar crap you want. You’ll pay for my yacht.” --Tom McGillen
36
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
37
If he had gunpowder for brains he couldn't blow his cap off. --Bill Shankly
38
There's now a glove that lets doctors see a patient's vital signs just by touching him. Unless you are in an HMO. Then your doctor gets an oven mitt and a meat thermometer. --Jay Leno
39
I used to think the brain was the most fascinating part of the body. Then I realized, well, look what’s telling me that. –Emo Philips
40
I'm not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now. --Bill Hicks