1
My husband won't try anything on --not even shoes. He'll just hold the box up to the light and say, "Yeah, these fit." --Rita Rudner
2
My boyfriend, like a lot of men, takes great pride in his car. Honey, his car is detailed, waxed, and vacuumed weekly. My car, on the other hand, looks like a really big purse. --Diane Nichols
3
You women ever look at men's bodies like they are meat? "Look at that hunk. USDA choice prime cut. Hmmmmm." My body is the part they make hot dogs out of. –Drew Carey
4
Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's like having a little pet for your face. –Anita Wise
5
Men and women both care about smell, but women go to the trouble to smell good. Men are like, "Does this stink too bad to wear one more time? Maybe I should iron it." --Jeff Foxworthy
6
Men differ from women. You never see young men sitting around talking about their dream weddings. --Charles Cosart
7
If men liked shopping, they'd call it research. --Cynthia Helms
8
When confronted with two evils, a man will usually consider the prettier.
9
I don't consider myself bald. I'm simply taller than my hair. --Tom Sharp
10
Talking with a man is like trying to saddle a cow. You work like heck, but what's the point? --Gladys Upham
11
Never appeal to a man's better nature. He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage. --Robert Heinlein
12
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. --Joseph Heller
13
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? ---Linda Ellerbee
14
Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss. --Jim Murray
15
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach him to fish, and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
16
Never spit in a man's face unless his moustache is on fire. --Henry Root
17
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. --Elaine Boosler
18
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. --Marion Pearson
19
Now is the time for all good men to come to. --Walt Kelly
20
Happy is the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary to do it. --Lord Mancroft
21
I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along." It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle. --Robert Benchley
22
Doesn't Prince Charles look like somebody kissed a frog, and it didn't change all the way? --Wendy Liebman
23
If a man is talking in the forest, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong? -- Jenny Weber
24
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. -- Terry Pratchett
25
I don’t want to sound sexist here, but I think men make better mall Santas. Men have bigger bellies, men are used to sitting for long periods of time, and men have lots of experience making promises they have no intention of keeping. –Jay Leno
26
A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him. --David Brinkley
27
Men like to barbeque. Men will cook if danger is involved. --Rita Rudner
28
If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on, we're not going to hurt it. --Jack Handey
29
The American male doesn’t mature until he has exhausted all other possibilities. –Wilfrid Sheed
30
Man is the only animal that laughs and has a state legislature. --Samuel Butler
31
He snored so loud we thought he was driving his hogs to market. –Jonathan Swift
32
A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure. --Segal's Law
33
What colognes are men wearing? Why do they think women like horse saddles and pine sap? If a man wanted me to follow him down the street, he should wear something called "Butter Cookie" or, even better, "Croissant." --Rita Rudner
34
Women claim that what they look for in a man is a sense of humor, but I don't believe it. Who do you want removing your bra --Tom Cruise or the Three Stooges? --Bruce Smirnoff
35
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. --George Bernard Shaw
36
Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell. --Robert Byrne
37
If you give a person a fish, they'll fish for a day. But if you train a person to fish, they'll fish for a lifetime.--Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President
38
It's interesting to speculate how it developed that in two of the most anti-feminist institutions, the church and the law court, the men are wearing the dresses. --Flo Kennedy
39
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, "I'm gonna go shave, too." --Mitch Hedberg
40
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. --Winston Churchill