1
An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger. --Dan Rather
2
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. --Lily Tomlin
3
I used to want to be a country-western singer, but I took a test and I had too much self-esteem. --Brett Butler
4
The Annual Grammy Awards were held in New York City, and once again Radio City Music Hall was crammed with a cross-section of musical artists representing every stage of addiction and denial. --Craig Kilborn
5
I don't know how real these rappers are keeping it from their $6 million homes in Beverly Hills, rapping about how rough it is. You write that in your Jacuzzi? --Warren Hutcherson
6
Cats become the longest-running Broadway musical in history. And as a special treat, the cast was given tuna instead of dry food. --David Letterman
7
You can tell he's really blind because he keeps missing a spot under his lip when he shaves. On singer Ray Charles --Keith Haessly
8
Whenever I see one of those ads where you get eight CDs for a penny, and then you have to pay another penny for the next CD, I immediately call up and demand to know why the last one is so expensive. Why does it cost eight times as much as the others? --Bil Dwyer
9
Wagner's music is better than it sounds. --Mark Twain
10
If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you. --Jack Handey
11
The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet. --Oliver Herford
12
I bought an audio cleaning tape. I'm a big fan of theirs. --Kevin Gildea
13
The concert is a polite form of self induced torture. --Henry Miller
14
Mick Jagger is about as sexy as a pissing toad. --Truman Capote
15
All the good music has already been written by people with wigs and stuff. --Frank Zappa
16
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. --Decca Recording Company, rejecting the Beatles, 1962
17
Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes. --Bill Cosby
18
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano. --Bob Hope
19
Did you write the words, or the lyrics? --Bruce Forsyth
20
And then our band became a-cappella as we left the pawn shop. –Mitch Hedberg
21
The Rolling Stones announced a new tour. Fans will be able to recognize their tour bus as the one doing forty in the fast lane with its blinker on. –Kevin Nealon
22
I have a word for Marilyn Manson: satan called and said your videos are giving him nightmares. Take it down a notch. –David Spade
23
Somebody gave me a Bob Dylan tape for Christmas. One good thing about Bob Dylan: When the batteries run down in my Walkman he still sounds the same. –Lance Crouther
24
If Jimmy Hendrix could see the current state of pop music he’d roll over in his own vomit. –David Corrado
25
A bassoon is just a clarinet with a cold. --David Corrado
26
Justin Guarini, who placed second in Fox’s American Idol, has signed a record deal. For just 99 cents, he will get ten records. –Tina Fey
27
According to a new report from Afghanistan, the hottest music over there right now is disco. So we’ve achieved a compromise here. We brought them out of the thirteenth century but only took them up to 1978. –Jay Leno
28
Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away. --Sir Thomas Beecham
29
Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter. --George Carlin
30
The flute is not an instrument that has a good moral effect; it is too exciting. --Aristotle
31
People are wrong when they say opera is not what it used to be. It is what it used to be. That is what's wrong with it. --Noel Coward
32
Parsifal is the kind of opera that starts at six o'clock. After it has been going three hours, you look at your watch and it says 6.20. --David Randolph
33
In Canada the rapper 50 Cent is know as 75 Cent. –Conan O’Brien
34
Do you realize the Rolling Stones are now in their sixties? At this rate soon we'll have a rock star die of natural causes. --Kevin Rooney
35
There is too much sax and violins in music. --Jim Loy
36
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, he sings. --Ed Gardner
37
I went to a blues bar last night, but the singer was in a good mood, so she canceled the show. –Debbie Kasper
38
Let's be honest: isn't a lot of what we call tap-dancing really just nerves? --Jack Handey
39
I used to be a dancer, but the music would throw me off. --Anonymous
40
A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t.