1
I learned how to say 'I love you' in Ukranian, but there are so few Ukranians I know that I love. --Bill Bade, USA
2
Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet Union. --P.J. O'Rourke
3
England and America are two countries divided by a common language. --George Bernard Shaw
4
The Middle Eastern states aren't nations, they're quarrels with borders. --PJ O'Rouke
5
In an underdeveloped country don't drink the water. In a developed country don't breathe the air. --Jonathan Raban
6
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. --George Bernard Shaw
7
Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there. --Yakov Smirnoff
8
Of course America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up. --Oscar Wilde
9
Traditionally most of Australia's imports come from overseas. --Keppel Enderbery
10
Wales is the land of my fathers. And my fathers can have it. --Dylan Thomas
11
In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One. --Yakov Smirnoff
12
I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix. --Dan Quayle
13
Moving from Wales to Italy is like moving to a different country. --Ian Rush
14
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? --Steven Wright
15
I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people. --Dan Quayle
16
I went to New Zealand but it was closed.
17
An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide, but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. --David Letterman
18
Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen. --P. J. O'Rourke
19
Why are you torturing your map? --Linda Cole, on our map of the US covered with push pins
20
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. --Charles Schultz
21
The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret. --Fred Allen
22
Workmen in Dublin have dug up a mysterious stone and metal box archaeologists believe is a time capsule buried two hundred years ago. Though it has not been opened, many hope it contains Ireland’s long-lost good recipes. –Jimmy Fallon
23
I’m 100 percent Sicilian. But not all Sicilians are in the mob. Some are in the witness protection program.–Tammy Pescatelli
24
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?" --Jack Handey
25
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate. --Omni
26
I like the English. They have the most rigid code of immorality in the world. --Malcolm Bradbury
27
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies. --Stephen Leacock
28
A man in Sweden is suing the government after a golden eagle swooped down, snatched his dachshund, and flew away. Once out of the earshot of the dog's owner, witnesses admitted it was the coolest thing they had ever seen. --Jimmy Fallon
29
Saudi Arabia is cracking down on terrorism. They’ve made a list of all know terrorists, which is basically their phone book. –Jay Leno
30
An Iranian moderate is one that has run out of ammunition. --Henry Kissinger
31
Heaven is where the Police are British, the Chefs are French, the Mechanics
are German, the Lovers Italian and it's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where the Chefs are British, the mechanics are French, the lovers
are Swiss, the Police are German and it's all organized by the Italians.
32
Mexico: where life is cheap, death is rich, and the buzzards are never unhappy. --Edward Abbey
33
Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning. --Winston Churchill
34
I cannot forecast to you the action of Russia. It is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma: but perhaps there is a key. That key is Russian national interest. --Winston Churchill
35
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job." --Jack Handey
36
Starbucks is closing six stores in Israel. The company said, “They’re jittery enough already.” --David Letterman
37
After shaking hands with a Greek, count your fingers. --Proverbs
38
An Israeli man's life was saved when he was given a Palestinian man's heart in a heart transplant operation. The guy is doing fine, but the bad news is, he can't stop throwing rocks at himself. --Jay Leno
39
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin. –Tim Vine
40
Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff. --Frank Zappa