1
When I heard that trees grow a new "ring" for each year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all of our skin layers. --Jack Handey
2
The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time. --Willie Tyler
3
I'm glad there's a big old hole in the ozone, 'cause you can get a tan in a split second. "Hey, I'm starting to bubble up like a bad paint job. I'm saving money on X-rays --I can see where I broke my arm as a kid." --Joe Keyes
4
Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: a sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it. --Jack Handey
5
If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed off the stage. They're just not ready. --Jack Handey
6
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff. --Jack Handey
7
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns. --Jack Handey
8
I think the most beautiful sunset I ever saw was on page 4 and 5 of The Book of Sunsets. --Jack Handey
9
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint. --Jack Handey
10
The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that. --Jack Handey
11
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. --Jack Handey
12
Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling this story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though. --Jack Handey
13
At first I thought a good way to get people to dig you some flower beds for free would be to call the police and say you buried some bodies in your backyard. But here's the catch: They dig everywhere, not just where you tell them to. --Jack Handey
14
I didn't want to cut down that tree. But I had no choice. It was growing right where I'm going to build my house, if I can ever get enough money together to build it and if I also have enough money to buy the land. That's the other thing: I need to find out who owns that land. --Jack Handey
15
As I felt the soft cool mud squish between my toes, I thought, Man, these are not very good shoes! --Jack Handey
16
As I stood there looking at the beautiful scenery, I wondered how many other people had stood there, and how many had candy corn "teeth" sticking between their lips like I did. --Jack Handey
17
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful. --Jack Handey
18
Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone? That way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to save out national forests. --Jack Handey
19
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. --Dan Quayle
20
One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me. --Jack Handey
21
Weather forecast: precipitation in the morning, rain in the afternoon. --Detroit Daily News
22
There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all. --Robert Orben
23
Al: The
night is young.
Scott: Yes. We are in the infancy stage
of nightness.
--J. Scott Reimer
24
I am two with nature. --Woody Allen
25
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights. --J.P. Getty
26
Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet. --Roger Miller
27
As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes. --Mel Brooks
28
Electricity is really just organized lightning. --George Carlin
29
Electricity is just organized lightning. –George Carlin
30
You know what makes good hair for a snow man? REAL hair. Don't ask me why, but it works. --Jack Handey
31
Attorney generals of eleven different states are asking what more can be done about global warming. President Bush responded by saying, “Turn on the air-conditioning. We need more factories to build more air conditioners.” --Jay Leno
32
Sheryl Crow was at [the White House Press Correspondents] dinner. I guess she was there to raise awareness about global warming. She has an interesting plan. Sheryl Crow is encouraging people to only use one square of toilet paper when they go to the bathroom. So in other words, don't ever shake Sheryl Crow's hand. --Jimmy Kimmel
33
There were record high temperatures yesterday. I blame Al Gore. Until he invented this global warming, none of this stuff happened. --Jimmy Kimmel
34
New York City was hosting a four-day Global Warming Summit. But today was such a nice day, they canceled it. . --David Letterman
35
Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn't throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time. --Paula Poundstone
36
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, 'Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that.'" --Jack Handey
37
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. --Jack Handey
38
Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them. --Eeyore
39
I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not? --Jack Handey
40
They say you can't tame a wild rose. And even if you could, probably the only trick you could teach it would be 'stay.' --John Alejandro King