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If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier in the day, up on deck, I guess I'd go, but I'd try to find some excuse to leave early. --Jack Handey
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If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, "Well, technically that's illegal." It might fit in with what somebody just said. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party. --Jack Handey
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The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning wanting to change your name and start a new life in a different city. --Vance Bourjaily
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If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not. --Jack Handey
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In America you can always find a party. In Russia the party always finds you. --Yakov Smirnoff
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When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often. --Jack Handey
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Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy. --Jack Handey
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At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. --George Carlin
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You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not "professional" any more. --Jeff Foxworthy
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