1
I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you. --Terry Buresh
2
If God though that nudity was OK, we would have been born naked. --Anthony E Smart
3
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." --Jack Handey
4
There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers. --Robert Orben
5
To err is human, to blame it on someone else is more human.
6
There are two types of people in this world: those who leave a mark, and others who just leave a stain.
7
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. --Douglas Adams
8
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
9
Mrs. Lindsay:
"You certainly look cool."
Yogi Berra: "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself."
10
Whenever someone at work asks "Can you do me a favor?", I always reply with, "Does it involve a garden hose and a bag of walnuts?" I already learned my lesson on that one. --Dan Thompson
11
Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded. --Yogi Berra
12
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story. --Jack Handey
13
I worship the quicksand he walks in. --Art Buchwald
14
I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pigheaded fool. --Katherine Whitehorn
15
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. --Mariah Carey
16
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me. --G.W. Hegel
17
Andy Warhol is the only genius I've ever known with an I.Q. of 60. --Gore Vidal
18
Rembrandt painted 700 pictures. Of these, 3,000 are still in existence. --Wilhelm Bode
19
People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?" --Emo Phillips
20
I thought I told you to wait in the car. --Tallulah Bankhead - when greeted by a former admirer after many years
21
I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike. --Emile Henry Gauvreay
22
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes. --Billy Connolly
23
Never argue with idiots. The just drag you down to their level and then beat you with their experience.
24
I always wanted to be somebody. I should have been more specific. --Lily Tomlin
25
I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there. --Joel Hodgson
26
If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me. --Alice Roosevelt Longworth
27
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. --Earl Wilson
28
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. --Noel Coward
29
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born? --Benny Hill
30
His toupee makes him look twenty years sillier.
31
I'm five foot seventeen. --Derek Roberts
32
I’m amazed at people who wake up by themselves. I have a friend who says, “The sun wakes me up. I don’t need an alarm.” I find that amazing. The only way the sun could wake me up is if it set me on fire. –Livia Squires
33
It seems like I’m always an hour late or a dollar short. I’m the kind of guy who will have nothing all my life, and then they’ll discover oil while they’re digging my grave. –George Gobel
34
Some people have their names perpetuated in stone or cast in bronze, but most of us are on mailing lists.
35
I'm anal-expulsive. --Pat Marsh
36
I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget. --Michael McShane
37
If you had to list the different types of haircuts in order of how warm they kept the head, you'd probably put the flat-top down near the bottom. But you know, I bet it's surprisingly warm. --Jack Handey
38
Sometimes I think the so-called experts really are experts. --Jack Handey
39
There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence. --Henry Adams
40
There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on. --Robert Byrne