1
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite. -- John Kenneth Galbraith
2
Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff. --Frank Zappa
3
The Teamsters Union is broke. Things are so bad, they may have to lay off 100 congressmen. --Jay Leno
4
Something happens when a man reaches a certain age, that the News becomes the most important thing in his life. All fathers think one day they're going to get a call from the State Department. "Listen, we've completely lost track of the situation in the Middle East. You've been watching the news. What do you think we should do about it?" --Jerry Seinfeld
5
I'm worried there's gonna be some Nazi like Hitler going around killing everyone who can't roll their tongue, and I'm gonna be hatin' life. --Jason Harens
6
We have a presidential election coming up. And I think the big problem, of course, is someone will win. --Barry Crimmins
7
Cloning is expensive and scary. This could mean that Ross Perot could run in every presidential election for the next 2,000 years. --Argus Hamilton
8
Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. --Dan Quayle
9
A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. -- Dave Barry
10
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either.
11
I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them. --George Bush, former U.S. President
12
The world is more like it is now then it ever has before. --Dwight Eisenhower
13
We'd like to avoid problems, because when we have problems, we can have troubles. --Wesley Bolin, Governor
14
Solutions are not the answer. --Richard Nixon, former U.S. President
15
I cannot tell you how grateful I am -- I am filled with humidity. --Gib Lewis, speaker of the Texas House
16
You read what Disraeli had to say. I don't remember what he said. He said something. He's no longer with us. --Bob Dole
17
Vote early and vote often. --Al Capone
18
A father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President."
19
Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress ...But I repeat myself. ‑‑Mark Twain
20
We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex, but Congress can. --Cullen Hightower
21
In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: "Turn back at once to Channel One." --Yakov Smirnoff
22
I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. --Jack Handey
23
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him. --Jack Handey
24
Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts. --Dan Quayle
25
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position. --George W Bush
26
Ronald Reagan is the first president to be accompanied by a Silly Statement Repair Team. --Mark Russell
27
I'm glad Reagan is president. Of course, I'm a professional comedian. --Will Durst
28
Clement Atlee is a sheep in sheep's clothing. --Winston Churchill
29
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice Doggie!' until you can find a rock. --Will Rogers
30
They should stop calling Reagan and Gorbachev the two most powerful men in the world. Between the two of them they couldn't bench press a hundred pounds. --Al Ordover
31
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. --Will Rogers
32
In America any boy may become President and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes. --Adlai Stevenson
33
Apart from that Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play? --Tom Lehrer
34
Walter Mondale has all the charisma of a speed bump. --Will Durst
35
It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it. --George W Bush
36
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something. --Jack Handey
37
An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought. --Simon Cameron
38
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is "to be prepared." --George W Bush
39
The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century. --Dan Quayle
40
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case. --George W Bush