1
Breaking up. It happens kind of suddenly. One minute you're holding hands walking down the street --and the next minute you're lying on the floor crying and all the good CDs are missing. --Kennedy Kasares
2
I broke up with my girlfriend. She moved in with another guy, and I draw the line at that. --Garry Shandling
3
Dating is dumb. Basically you're making false judgments based on false exteriors. Oh, sure, my superficial self likes your superficial self, but the real me likes your roommate. --Margot Black
4
I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog. --Wendy Liebman
5
My favorite kind of guys to go out with are guys from another country. I like foreign guys 'cause you can tell them anything. "Ahmed, it's customary in America that you pay my rent on the first date." --Ellen Cleghorne
6
People are going on dates now to coffee bars. This is the worst idea. Four cappuccinos later, your date doesn't look any better. --Margot Black
7
I'm still going on bad dates, when by now I should be in a bad marriage. --Laura Kightlinger
8
I dated a younger man, but we had nothing in common. I asked him where he was when Elvis died. He was in amniotic fluid. --Robin Roberts
9
I'm at a point where I want a man in my life --but not in my house. Just come in, attach the VCR, and get out. --Joy Behar
10
My girlfriend is not a ball and chain --she's more of a spring-loaded trap. --Kevin Hench
11
Men date thin girls because they're too weak to argue and salads are cheap. --Jennifer Fairbanks
12
I’m very loyal in a relationship. Any relationship. When I go out with my mom, I don’t look at other moms. I don’t go, “Ooooh, I wonder what her macaroni and cheese tastes like.” --Gary Shandling
13
I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here. --Stephen Bishop
14
When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it. --Charles Merrill Smith
15
I'd like to have a boyfriend in prison, so I could always know where he is. --Carrie Snow
16
The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prisons they let you play softball on the weekends. –Bobby Kelton
17
If you ladies knew what we were really thinking, you'd never stop slapping us. –Larry Miller
18
I worked all of last night and had a cup of coffee with a certain lady friend we'll call "Sheniqua," even though her actual name is Nicole. --Tom Gerding
19
Guys like to pay a lot of money to have women abuse them. That's why we date. --Darin Murray
20
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. --Jack Handey
21
When I meet a man I ask myself, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?" --Rita Rudner
22
My girlfriend says I never listen. I think that's what she said. --Drake Sather
23
A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it. --Jack Handey
24
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. --Mae West
25
Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
26
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her. --Agatha Christie
27
But I wasn't kissing her. I was whispering into her mouth. --Chico Marx - to his wife when she caught him kissing a chorus girl
28
At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: "My dad owns a liquor store." --Mark Klein
29
A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. --Rodney Dangerfield
30
I think, therefore I'm single. --Female philosopher
31
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. --Phyllis Diller
32
There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that. --Steve Martin
33
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in. --Rich Jeni
34
It costs a lot of money to date. I took a girl out to dinner the other night. I said, “What’ll you have?” She said, “I guess I’ll have the steak and lobster.” I said, “Guess again.” --Skip Stephenson
35
My granddad used to say, “If everybody liked the same thing, they’d all be after your grandma.” --Gary Muledeer
36
I once said to a woman in a bar, “What’s your name?” She said, “Don’t even bother.” I said, “Is that an Indian name, because I’d like to meet Hot to Trot. Is she here?” --Garry Shandling
37
I’m nostalgic. I miss childhood. I miss first grade. I miss thinking girls are gross. Do you know how much money I could save if I still thought girls were gross? --Patrick Keane
38
I asked my girlfriend, “Do you think we’ll get back together?” She said, “I think the chances are better of me putting Super Unleaded into a rented car.” --David Spade
39
If a man is in the forest and there is no woman around, is he still wrong?
40
A bachelor's life is no life for a single man. --Samuel Goldwyn