1
The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling. --Paula Poundstone
2
In the beginning there was nothing. Then God said, "Let there be light." There was still nothing, but everybody could see it a lot better.
3
There's a religious group that goes door-to-door selling cosmetics. They call themselves Jojoba's Witnesses. --Jeannie Dietz
4
There's only one big difference between Catholics and Jews. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it. --Elayne Bosler
5
The New Testament is not new anymore; it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament. --George Carlin
6
Most people past college age are not atheists. Because you don't get any days off. And if you're an agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not. --Mort Sahl
7
We were Catholic triplets. --Deb Varani, on the 3 children in her family, all born within 9 months of each other
8
Aw, come on, guy, my Sabbath is shot! --Lance Bellman, upon hearing someone swear
9
We are here on earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don't know. --W.H. Auden
10
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. --Jack Handey
11
If God is a Catholic, how come he only had one son?
12
I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around. --Jack Handey
13
If Jesus was Jewish, how come he has a Mexican name?
14
They have a politically correct Bible now. They didn't want Jesus to be killed by Jews, an ethnic group, so he dies of secondhand smoke. --Bill Maher
15
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, that dishonesty is the second-best policy. --George Carlin
16
Once you see the drivers in Indonesia you understand why religion plays such a big part in their lives. --Erma Bombeck
17
I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet. --Jack Handey
18
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting! --Jack Handey
19
I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins. --Jack Handey
20
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy. --Jack Handey
21
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak. --Jack Handey
22
My father wasn't Catholic, but there were fifteen of us kids. He was sexy-Protestant.
23
Mother, food, love, and career are the four major guilt groups. --Cathy Guisewite
24
Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organized by the Swiss. Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lover's Swiss, the police German and it's all organized by the Italians.
25
What fresh hell is this?! --Dorothy Parker
26
The wages of sin are death - but the hours are good. --- N. Matejic
27
Guilt -- the gift that keeps on giving!
28
Atheists have no invisible means of support.
29
The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form. --Stanley J. Randall
30
If God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it easier to get to the airport. ‑‑George Winters
31
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread. --Mahatma Gandhi
32
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies. --Voltaire on his deathbed in response to a priest asking that he renounce Satan.
33
A five year old was discussing Noah's Ark with Grandma. Grandma asked, How many animals went into the Ark? The youngster replied: One mail and one e-mail.
34
Two brothers were discussing Adam and Eve. The 8-year-old asked: "How did Adam and Eve die?" And the 4-year-old said: "They ate bad fruit."
35
I don't have any out‑of‑body experiences. I had indeed seen a bright, beautiful light and had followed it, but it turned out to be a Kmart tire sale. –Lewis Grizzard
36
Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
37
Skeptic commenting on a prominent female TV evangelist: "I believe that woman's tear ducts are connected to her kidneys."
38
In Germany they came first for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me, and by that time no one was left to speak up." -- Martin Niemoeller (1892-1984), pastor
39
Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do an a rainy afternoon. --Susan Ertz
40
I'm a Methodist. I would have been a Presbyterian, but I didn't have a gray suit.