1
Seen on the door to a light wave lab: "Do not look into laser with remaining good eye."
2
For MAD scientists who keep brains in a jar, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness. --Jack Handey
3
If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. --George Gobel
4
Science has found the gene for shyness. Yeah, they would've found it earlier, but it was hiding behind a couple other genes. --Jonathan Katz
5
Seen on Pavlov's door: "Knock. Don't ring bell."
6
Invisible Systems, Inc. --If you don't see it, we made it.
7
Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. --Wernher Von Braun
8
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then, after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science? --Jack Handey
9
I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect." --Jack Handey
10
Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones. --Mike Barfield
11
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
12
If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research. --Wilson Mizner
13
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain. --Jack Handey
14
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost. --Russell Baker
15
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. --Dave Barry
16
The two most abundant things in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity. --Harlan Ellison
17
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. --Jerome Lettvin
18
For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong. --H. L. Mencken
19
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. --Steven Wright
20
In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I'm sorry, did I say "scientists"? I meant "Irish people." --Tina Fey
21
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. --Woody Allen
22
An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault. ~William Castle
23
An economic forecaster is like a cross-eyed javelin thrower: they don't win many accuracy contests, but they keep the crowd's attention.
24
What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations in the lab involving a sledgehammer and a common frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad. --Dave Barry
25
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I’m sure it made the work seem all that much more urgent. –George Carlin
26
You are 87% water; the other 13% keeps you from drowning. --P. E. Morris
27
A comet hit the planet Jupiter several years ago, and scientists say the dark scars have almost completely disappeared. But the emotional scars will be there for a long, long time. –Norm Macdonald
28
They say that something as small as a butterfly beating its wings in China can cause a hurricane in America, so maybe we should go to China and kill all the butterflies, just to be safe. --Ken Advent
29
I look forward to the invention of faster-than-light travel. What I'm not looking forward to is the long wait in the dark once I arrive at my destination. --Marc Beland
30
Everything should be made a simple as possible, but not simpler. --Albert Einstein
31
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
32
In theory there is no difference between theory and practice, but in practice there is.
33
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
34
A mystic is someone who wants to understand the universe, but is too lazy to study physics.
35
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. --Dave Barry
36
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. --Douglas Adams
37
It's a good thing the guy in charge of naming galaxies was into chocolate bars and not Chinese food. Otherwise, the Milky Way might have been named Moo Goo Gui Pan, and who wants to have to learn about that? --Paul Paternoster
38
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life. --Frank Zappa
39
If a mirror reverses right and left, why doesn't it reverse up and down? --Unknown
40
Since there is a speed of light and a speed of sound, is there a speed of smell? --Unknown