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Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet. --Jack Handey
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I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system. --Jack Handey
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Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. --Woody Allen
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If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn't really our civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our REAL civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they're waving good-bye. --Jack Handey
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One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff. --Jack Handey
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The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. --Bill Watterson
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I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns---regular sun and "rogue" sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I'd say, "Regular time?" And they'd say, "Yeah." And I'd say, "Sorry, all I have is rogue time." It'd be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy. --Jack Handey
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With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. –Ransom Ferm
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Life is extinct on other planets because their scientists were more advanced than ours.
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The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the meteor---through some kind of space warp or something. "Go, Bob, go!" yelled one of the generals. A Give me that!" said the big-guy general as he took the microphone away. "Listen, Bob," he said. "You've got to steer that meteor away from Earth." "Yes, but how?" thought Bob. Then he got an idea. Right next to him there was a steering wheel sticking out of the meteor. --Jack Handey
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For NASA, space is still a high priority. --Dan Quayle
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I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it. --Jack Handey
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Astronomers say that 8 years from today an asteroid has a 1 in 200,000 chance of hitting Earth. About the same chance Sarah Palin has of becoming President, so it’s pretty scary either way." –Jay Leno
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Palin is an expert on Sputnik, she said, because she can see the moon from her house." –Bill Maher
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A panel investigating NASA found 'a heavy use of alcohol by astronauts before launches.' On at least two occasions, astronauts were allowed to fly while so intoxicated they actually posed a health risk. Isn't that unbelievable? Drinking. That's why they call it the Kennedy Space Center." --Jay Leno
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Astronomers say that 8 years from today an asteroid has a 1 in 200,000 chance of hitting Earth. About the same chance Sarah Palin has of becoming President, so it’s pretty scary either way." –Jay Leno
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This year's Super Bowl was the most-watched event in history. Take that, moon landing." –Craig Ferguson
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Russian astronomers say an asteroid is heading toward our planet and will hit us in 2036. You have to keep in mind that Russian astronomers use empty vodka bottles for telescopes." –Craig Ferguson
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