1
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. --Carol Leifer
2
Take boxing, the simplest, stupidest sport of all. It's almost as if these two guys are just desperate to compete with each other, but they couldn't think of a sport. So they said, "Why don't we just pound each other for forty-five minutes? Maybe someone will come watch that." --Jerry Seinfeld
3
My brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. --Henny Youngman
4
Playing golf the other day I broke seventy. That's a lot of clubs. --Henny Youngman
5
Monica Seles is using this really huge racket. What kind of sport is tennis where you can change the size of the equipment because you suck at it? How does that work? Why don't baseball players just put on really long shoes, so they're always safe? --Dan Wilson
6
I'm learning tennis. I'm quite good, actually, for only having played a total of 65 minutes of my life. I can see I'm going to be very good at this game, and I hope to soon start practicing with an actual ball, instead of pretending. --Tom Gerding
7
I think if your chute doesn't open, they don't charge you anything. --James Aten, on skydiving
8
If I were a pro wrestler, I wouldn't bother with strenuous workout routines or clever costumes. I'd just go up there with a piece of duct tape, rip my opponent's leg hair off and watch him cry. --James Nicoll
9
Sweat is nature’s way of showing you your muscles are crying. --Anonymous
10
The race may not be to the swift nor the victory to the strong, but that is how you bet. --Damon Runyon
11
You know why they call it golf, don't you? Because all the good four‑letter words were already taken. –Lewis Grizzard
12
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there. --Yogi Berra
13
Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss. --Jim Murray
14
I failed to make the chess team because of my height. --Woody Allen
15
Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?" --Jack Handey
16
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. --Jack Handey
17
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control. --Jack Handey
18
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. --Jack Handey
19
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on. --Jack Handey
20
Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again. --Jack Handey
21
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been. --Jack Handey
22
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming. --Jack Handey
23
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. --Dave Barry
24
Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that. --Bill Shankly
25
Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped. --Franklyn Ajaye
26
College athletes used to get a degree in bringing your pencil. --Ruby Wax
27
There is one thing to be said for country clubs; they drain off a lot of people you wouldn't want to associate with anyway. --Joseph Prescott
28
Nobody has ever bet enough on a winning horse. --Richard Sasuly
29
Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win. --Doug Collins, basketball commentator
30
The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. --Rita Rudner
31
Sure, there have been deaths and injuries in boxing, but none of them serious. --Alan Winter
32
They called it golf because all the other four letter words were taken. --Walter Hagen
33
In Russia, if a male athlete loses he becomes a female athlete. --Yakov Smirnoff.
34
I've seen George Foreman shadow boxing and the shadow won. --Muhammad Ali
35
The first ninety minutes of a football match are the most important. --Bobby Robson
36
The other teams could make trouble for us if they win. --Yogi Berra, baseball catcher and manage
37
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. --Jack Benny
38
We have only one person to blame, and that's each other. --Barry Beck, New York Ranger, on who started a brawl
39
There's no secret. You just press the accelerator to the floor and steer left. --Bill Vukovich, US Race driver, explaining his success at the Indianapolis 500
40
While visiting Chicago, President Hu met with Cubs fans. Apparently, he wanted to see some Americans who have suffered more human rights violations than his own people." –Jay Leno