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I think that a hat that has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away. --Jack Handey
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I'm just guessing, but probably one of the early signs that your radarscope is wearing out is something I call "image fuzz-out." But I've never even seen a radarscope, so I wouldn't totally go by what I've just said here. --Jack Handey
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As long as we're going to reinvent the wheel again, we might as well try making it round this time. --Mike Dennison
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Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. --Jack Handey
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I wonder sometimes if manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things. --Alan Coren
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Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts. --Jack Handey
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When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the plane will fly. --Donald Douglas
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Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal. --Henry Ford
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When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. --George Carlin
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I think man invented the car by instinct. --Jack Handey
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Vice presidents love technology: Joe Biden with the trains, Al Gore with the Internet, and Dick Cheney with the electric torture clamps." –Craig Ferguson
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Egypt has shut off cell phones and the internet. It’s like visiting your parents’ house." --David Letterman
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The Egyptian protesters are using Facebook to get away from the police, but the police are using Farmville to build fences to keep the protesters in." --Jay Leno
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Congress is proposing a bill that would give President Obama a kill switch that he could use to freeze all activity on the Internet if there were a national emergency. The kill switch goes by the top-secret name Microsoft Windows." –Conan O'Brien
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Someone hacked the Facebook account of French President Nicolas Sarkozy. Or not really hacked. Someone asked for his password and he surrendered it." –Jimmy Kimmel
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Congress was broadcast live on Facebook for the first time in history. Now you can waste time and not get work done by watching Congress waste time and not get work done." --Jimmy Fallon
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Egypt has shut off cell phones and the internet. It’s like visiting your parents’ house." --David Letterman
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Sen. John McCain met with the CEO of Twitter today. At least that's what he tried to tweet on his garage door opener." –Conan O'Brien
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The Catholic Church has approved an app that lets people confess their sins through their iPhones. The number one confession? Taking the Lord's name in vain after the iPhone drops your call." –Jay Leno
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The Catholic Church has approved a new app that lets you make confessions over your iPhone. It also raises the possibility of accidentally butt-dialing God." --Conan O'Brien
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The Catholic Church has approved an app that let’s you confess on your iPhone. You can now cheat and atone right on the same device. Perfect for Brett Favre." –Jay Leno
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Bill Clinton recently revealed that he only sent two e-mails while he was President. Then he added, "And it turns out those pills are just a scam." --Jimmy Fallon
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The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.--Fran Lebowitz
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I like my new telephone, my computer works just fine, my calculator is perfect, but Lord, I miss my mind! --Author Unknown
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Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible. --Doug Larson
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