1
Bus Lag: a low-level disorientation caused by riding on a bus. Almost impossible to detect. --George Carlin
2
I was stopped once for going fifty-three in a thirty-five-mile zone, but I told 'em I had dyslexia. --Spanky
3
One time we were driving through a construction zone and the sign said, SPEED LIMIT 35 AHEAD. And there were four of us. We were through there in no time. --Geechy Guy
4
Rolls-Royce is selling its first totally new car in eighteen years. For $216,000. Sounds like a lot, but that does include the Grey Poupon. --Jay Leno
5
I was traveling through Texas one hot summer when I got a flat tire. I pulled into a gas station and the attendant looks at my car and says, "You got a flat tire." I said, "No, the other three just swelled right up." Not missing a beat, he replied, "Yep, the heat will do that." --Bill Engvall
6
I hate driving, and I hate when people honk at me. Unless I'm making a left turn. Then I like it because that's how I know it's time to turn. --Rita Rudner
7
I'm afraid of planes --I don't trust the oxygen mask. The little orange cup --attached to that bag that's full of nothing. Maybe I'm cynical. I don't even think that it's an oxygen mask. I think it's more to just muffle the screams. --Rita Rudner
8
My father would say things that make no sense, like "If I were the last person on earth, some moron would turn left in front of me." --Louie Anderson
9
The Concorde was great. It travels at twice the speed of sound. Which is fun except you can't hear the movie until two hours after you land. --Howie Mandel
10
My best friend got a truck. But she didn't want to be trendy, so she got a UPS truck. Laugh, but she can park it anywhere. Worldwide. --Wendy Liebman
11
The clock works but the gas gauge doesn't. That way you know what time it was when you ran out of gas. --Keith Haessly
12
Man, you don't know what you're missing by not buying a moped. They're cheap, inexpensive, and built to stay that way. --Red Wiles
13
You drive like a car thief! Gunilla Roberg
14
The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill. --Omni
15
The only thing harder to get rid of than a winter cold is a 1973 Ford Pinto. --Aileen Foster
16
A Journey of 1,000 miles begins with a call to your auto club. --M. Sallee
17
Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you'd better set off a few minutes earlier. --Anonymous Traffic Report
18
Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver. --Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman
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I hate it when I see one of those road signs that says "Draw Bridge Ahead" and I don't have a pencil. --Lou Chiafullo
20
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
21
New Scientist magazine reported that in the future, cars could be powered by hazelnuts. That's encouraging, considering an eight-ounce jar of hazelnuts costs about nine dollars. Yeah, I've got an idea for a car that runs on bald eagle heads and Faberge eggs. --Jimmy Fallon
22
I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyone listening to me?! --Jack Handey
23
I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?" --Emo Phillips
24
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine." --Tommy Cooper
25
Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving. --Jack Handey
26
I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it is coming. –Mitch Hedberg
27
Drive in banks were established so most of the cars today can see their real owners. --E. Joseph Cossman
28
Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car. --Evan Davis
29
When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane." --Franklyn Ajaye
30
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes. Hey, better try the emergency brake. --Jack Handey
31
They think they can make fuel from horse manure.... Now, I don't know if your car will be able to get 30 miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning. --Billie Holliday
32
Driving a crappy car changes your entire mind-set. If someone cuts me off on the freeway I can’t flip them off because I may need that guy to jump-start me in a few minutes. –Dobie Maxwell
33
You know the good thing about gangs is, they carpool. --John Mendoza
34
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
35
I once got pulled over and the cop asked, “Why were you going so fast?” I said, “Why? Because I had my foot to the floor. Sends more gas through the carburetor. Makes the engine go faster. The whole car just takes off like that. See this? This steers it.” --Steven Wright
36
When you’re driving, ugly thoughts come up. There have been times when I’m stuck on the freeway and I think to myself, “If half the city died right now, I’d be home already.” --Paul Reiser
37
Remember, folks: Traffic lights timed for thirty-five miles per hour are also timed for seventy miles per hour. –Jim Samuels
38
I drove a cab after college for like two months. But I never picked anybody up. I just needed a car. –Wendy Liebman
39
I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me, "What do you do at a red light?" I said, "I don't know. Look around, listen to the radio?" --Bill Braudis
40
I've got a very poor sense of direction. I keep forgetting which way is forwards. -- Geoffrey Parfitt