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Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the 9 millimeter bullet. --Dave Barry
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If you want to be safe on the streets at night, carry a projector and slides of your last vacation. --Helen Mundis
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I'm so timid I was beaten up by Quakers. --Woody Allen
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There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? --Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate
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Supermodel Naomi Campbell was slapped with an eight-million-dollar damage suit for allegedly bashing her secretary’s skull with a telephone. Sources say Campbell could have saved nearly two million dollars on the incident if she had MCI. –Colin Quinn
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I have strong feelings about gun control. If there's a gun around, I want to be controlling it. --Clint Eastwood
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These CEOs are scary. I walk past a gang banger, I don't even flinch. But I see a white dude with a Wall Street Journal, I run. Cutting through the projects, you might lose what have on you that day, but I ain't never been mugged of my future. No thug ever said, "Give me your 401K. I want your college fund, your IRA. I want it all." --Wanda Sykes
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If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. --George Carlin
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There is in fact a different between crazy and insane. A crazy person will walk down the street shooting people. An insane person will do it in a clown suit
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They're calling the Middle East uprisings the 'Jasmine Revolution.' Historians say it's the first revolution that could double as a new scent of Febreze. –Conan O'Brien
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According to the L.A. Times, insurgents in Iraq are targeting educated people like professors and librarians. ... If the intelligent are targeted and killed, then the only ones left to lead the country will be the ignorant. So, at least they are getting closer to an American-style democracy. --Jay Leno
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Hugh Grant attacked a paparazzi with a Tupperware full of baked beans. When will this madness end? Baked beans aren't usually used as a weapon. Maybe indirectly as a chemical weapon. --Craig Ferguson
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I would never want to be tarred and feathered. On the other hand, to be tarred or feathered might be fun, as long as I didn't know ahead of time which it was going to be - you know, the whole 'element of surprise' thing. --John Alejandro King
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Earlier this morning in London, police defused a potentially massive car bomb parked in front of famed Piccadilly Circus. President Bush got a little confused. He called the new prime minister and made sure all the animals and clowns were safe. --Jay Leno
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The mightiest of weapons is truth. And everyone knows you're not permitted to bring a weapon into a Government building. --John Alejandro King
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Actually, even if something killed me, I bet it would make me at least a little bit stronger. --John Alejandro King
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For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string --Spike Mulligan
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Texas is reportedly going to give college students the right to carry guns on campus. So I guess that next semester, every college student in Texas is getting straight A's." –Conan O'Brien
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Never fight an inanimate object. --P. J. O'Rourke
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People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf. --George Orwell
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"We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control."
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"I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him." --Mark Twain
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