1
You may not be interested in war, but war is very interested in you. --Leon Trotsky
2
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade. --Jack Handey
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People question why Switzerland always remains neutral in wars. I think it's because the Swiss realize those Army Knives would be pretty useless against heavy artillery. ‑‑Paul Paternoster
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Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have. --Jack Handey
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We are not retreating --we are advancing in another direction. --General Douglas MacArthur
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In WWII the Japanese were evil through and through; whereas the Germans were just evil on the inside. --Jeff Roemhildt
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Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. --Paul Rodriguez
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I think we should invade France: Operation Restore Politeness. --Darin Kinsey
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To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, embattled men of the fort, it was more than that. It was a flag of surrender. And after that, it was torn up and used for shoeshine rags, so the men would look nice for the surrender. --Jack Handey
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Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. --Jack Handey
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I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. --Jack Handey
12
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!" --Jack Handey
13
If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" No. I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots. --Jack Handey
14
"Push to test." <click> "Release to detonate." --Bruce Graham
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I'm a proponent of gun control. For those of you in the National Rifle Association, "proponent" means I'm in favor of gun control. –Barry Crimmins
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I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters. --Solomon Short
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It will be a great day when our schools have all the money they need and the Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy a new bomber.
18
The draft is white people sending black people to fight yellow people to protect the country they stole from red people. --James Rado
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Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons. --Bertrand Russell
20
War continues in Iraq. They're calling it Operation Iraqi Freedom. They were going to call it Operation Iraqi Liberation until they realized that spells "OIL." --Jay Leno
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CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded. --Jay Leno
22
The latest word is that Saddam Hussein is now creating a buffer zone in Northern Iraq to defend against a northern invasion. Experts say if he's successful this could extend the length of the war by up to seven minutes. --Jay Leno
23
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done." ---George Carlin
24
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
25
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job." --Jack Handey
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I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. --Albert Einstein
27
Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is humanity hanging on a cross of iron. --Dwight Eisenhower 1953 speech
28
When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. --Sir Winston Churchill
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When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.. --Elayne Boosler
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Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. You just leave a lot of useless noisy baggage behind. --Jed Babbin
31
You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. --Jeannette Rankin
32
Kosovo certainly taught the world a lesson. Wherever there's suffering, injustice, and oppression, America will show up six months later and bomb the country next to where it's happening. --P. J. O'Rourke
33
The Democrats' problem isn't that they're calling for timetables. It's that they're calling them timetables. You're up against Bush and the Republicans, you got to bring some zing. Don't call them timetables. Call them ... patriot dates ... freedom deadlines ... glory goals. What decent, patriotic American wouldn't stand behind a glory goal? --Jon Stewart
34
Maybe our mistake in the Middle East was not realizing that, when you 'draw a line in the sand,' in about 24 hours a sand storm comes and blows it away. --John Alejandro King
35
Colin Powell said this week he once spent two and a half hours trying to talk President Bush out of going to war in Iraq. Well actually, the first hour and a half were spent trying to get Bush to put down the Gameboy. --Jay Leno
36
The U.S. Senate held an all-night session last night, trying to get the votes needed to begin troop withdrawal from Iraq. They lost. They stayed in the Senate chamber all night long, with some of them sleeping on cots. Things got a little testy at about four o'clock in the morning when a fight broke out between Senator David Vitter and 89-year-old Senator Robert Byrd over the last diaper. --Jay Leno
37
A report card of Iraq shows progress in only eight of 18 areas. Of course, President Bush is thrilled. That's the best report card he ever got in his life. --Jay Leno
38
Except for ending slavery, fascism, Nazism, and communism, war has never solved anything. --Unknown
39
No, it turns out Saddam Hussein didn't have weapons of mass destruction. And how crazy does that make Saddam? All he had to do was tell Hans Blix, 'Look anywhere you want. Look under the bed. Look beneath the couch. Look behind the toilet tank in the third presidential palace on the left, but keep your mitts off my copies of Maxim.' And Saddam could have gone on dictatoring away until Donald Rumsfeld gets elected head of the World Council of Churches. But no . . --P.J. O'Rourke
40
The difference between American parties is actually simple. Democrats are in favor of higher taxes to pay for greater spending, while Republicans are in favor of greater spending, for which the taxpayers will pay. In foreign policy, Republicans intend to pursue the war in Iraq but to do so with a minimal number of troops on the ground. This is not to be confused with the disastrous Bush/Cheney/Rumsfeld policy of using a minimal number of troops on the ground to pursue the war in Iraq. Democrats intend to end the war, but they don't know when. Democrats are making the 'high school sex promise': I'll pull out in time, honest! --P.J. O'Rourke