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Do you feel the excitement of being a woman in the nineties? Maybe it's just static cling. --Rhonda Hansome
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I have to talk to my girlfriend every day on the phone. My husband says, "Why do you have to talk to her again today? You just talked to her yesterday. What could you possibly have to tell her?" "Well, for one thing, I have to tell her you just said that." --Rita Rudner
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I was thrown out of Victoria's Secret --I gave the secret away, and they just frown on that. --Paula Poundstone
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If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. –Dave Barry
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I went shopping last week looking for feminine protection. I looked at all the products and I decided on a .38 revolver. --Karen Ripley
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There are 3 billion women who don't look like supermodels and ONLY 8 who do.
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I am Woman. I am Invincible. I am Tired.
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A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study, "Duh." –Conan O'Brien
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Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. --Charlotte Whitton
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I love women. They're the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine. --Mel Gibson
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I'm not very feminine. Tried it once, threw my back out, had to give it up. --Stephanie Hodge
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When women don’t want to give out their phone number, they make up a number. This one girl said to me, “My telephone number? 456-78910.” “Is that by chance in the 123 area code?” --Ron Richards
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I asked this woman why she had two seeing eye dogs, and she said one was for reading. –Jonathan Katz
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Standards of beauty change. If Mona Lisa went into a modeling agency today, they’d say, “Sorry, we don’t need a janitor.” --Jim Gaffigan
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When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.. --Elayne Boosler
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I don’t have time every day to put on makeup. I need that time to clean my rifle. –Henriette Mantel
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Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison. --Tim Allen
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Remember when Sinead O'Connor tore up that picture of the Pope on Saturday Night Live? Think about it: A little bald guy in a dress is attacked on national television by another little bald guy in a dress. –Margaret Cho
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I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo and I’m thinking, “Okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.” --Richard Jeni
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Whenever anything went wrong in my life, my mother would ask, "All things happen for the best." And I'd ask, "Who's best?" And she'd say, "Gotta go." --Rita Rudner
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I can't believe we still have the Miss America pageant. This is America! Where we're not supposed to judge people based on how they look; we're supposed to judge people based on how much money they make. --Heidi Joyce
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Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison. --Tim Allen
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Society's idea of beautiful has much too much to do with thin. My feeling is that when you can actually see a woman digesting, she's too thin. --Jonathan Katz
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Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman— or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle. --George Burns
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A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy. --Joan Rivers
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Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. --Mark Twain
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My photographs do me an injustice. They look just like me. --Phyllis Diller
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Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house. --George Burns
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There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works. --Will Rogers
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