1
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. --Al Capone
2
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. --Lily Tomlin
3
The pen is mightier than the sword, until it runs out of ink.
4
Nothing in fine print is ever good news. -‑ANDY ROONEY
5
You can't keep blaming yourself, Marge. Just blame yourself once and move on. --Homer Simpson
6
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
7
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head". Normally, you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who had beautiful swept-back features, as if flying though the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that. --Jack Handey
8
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
9
She had lost the art of conversation but not, unfortunately, the power of speech. --George Barnard Shaw
10
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? --John Mendosa
11
What's another word for thesaurus? --Steven Wright
12
The only English words I saw in Japan were Sony and Mitsubishi. --Bill Gullickson
13
Names are not always what they seem. The common Welsh name BZJXXLLWCP is pronounced Jackson. --Mark Twain
14
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. --Samuel Goldwyn
15
They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy; foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. --Mark Twain
16
No, Groucho is not my real name. I'm breaking it in for a friend. --Groucho Marx (Julius Marx)
17
Good hours, excellent pay, fun place to work, paid training, mean boss. Oh well, four out of five isn't bad. --Help Wanted Ad, PA newspaper, 1994
18
A word to the wise does no good. It's the stupid people out there that need the help. --Bill Cosby
19
I like hearing myself talk. It is one of my greatest pleasures. I often have long conversations all by myself and I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. -- Oscar Wilde
20
A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you. --B.L. Taylor
21
They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy; foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.
22
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. --Marty Feldman
23
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. -- Tom Clancy
24
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. --Robert Benchley
25
If a writer has to rob his mother, he will not hesitate: The "Ode on a Grecian Urn" is worth any number of old ladies. -- William Faulkner
26
I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it. --William Faulkner
27
I work until beer o’clock. -- Stephen King On his 9 to 5 writing day
28
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. --Somerset Maugham
29
The trouble with young writers is that they are all in their sixties. -- Somerset Maugham
30
Deleted by French Censor. --James Gordon Bennett - US Newspaper owner/editor - Used to fill empty space in his papers during WWI when news was lacking
31
Far too many writers rely on the classic formula of a beginning, a muddle, and an end. --Philip Carlin
32
Small earthquake in Chile. Not many dead. --Claude Cockburn, put forward as an example of a dull newspaper headline
33
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. --Sidney Goff
34
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. --Douglas Adams
35
Let's have some new cliches. --Samuel Goldwyn
36
Two words that guys hate...don’t & stop...unless you put them together.
37
The big print giveth and the fine print taketh away. --J. Falton Sheen, US Roman Catholic Archbishop referring to his contract for a television appearance.
38
Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we." --Mark Twain
39
Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today. --Hemon Wouk
40
Batten, Barton, Durstine and Osborne-sounds like a trunk falling down a flight of stairs. --Fred Allen