1
I called a temp agency looking for work and they asked if I had any phone skills. I said, "I called you, didn't I?" --Zach Galifianakis
2
I work for myself, which is fun. Except for when I call in sick, I know I'm lying. --Rita Rudner
3
I hated the job, as noted, but they said I didn't have a "sense of urgency" with orders. I didn't, of course, but they weren't supposed to know that. --Tom Gerding
4
Mom always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, "within reason." When I asked her what she meant by "within reason," she said, "You ask a lot of questions for a garbage man." --Jack Handey
5
He's a jackass of all trades. --Deb Varani
6
If you're thirty years old and you're still wearing a paper hat to work, you've obviously made a poor career move. --Mike Connett, Pizza Hut, Bellevue, Nebraska
7
Never hire an electrician whose eyebrows are scorched. --Mason Wilder
8
I used to work at the International House of Pancakes. It was a dream, and I made it happen. --Paula Poundstone
9
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door. --Jack Handey
10
It's an unthankful job but I've got lots of bad Karma to burn off. --Terry Buresh
11
The reward for a job well done is more work.
12
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. --Robert Orben
13
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. --Woody Allen
14
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. --Erma Bombeck
15
The beatings will continue until the morale improves. --Ron Thomson
16
When I went for my first job interview, I guess I was pretty confident, because I told the guy who was interviewing me he was fired. I didn't get the job, but that wasn't what bothered me. What bothered me was I found out a few months later that that guy was still working there. Hey, man, I fired you! --Jack Handey
17
Is it something we can do? Or you? Mostly you? --Elsie Marsh to Grandpa Bob, on repairing our sink
18
When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. --Jack Handey
19
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
20
A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled. --Sir Barnett Cocks
21
The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television.
22
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. --Charles Lamb
23
Work is the curse of the drinking classes. --Oscar Wilde
24
An amateur is someone who supports himself with outside jobs which enable him to paint. A professional is someone whose wife works to enable him to paint. --Ben Shahn
25
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
26
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. --Les Dawson
27
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. --Douglas Adams
28
This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation.
29
The beatings will continue until the morale improves.
30
And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their Macintosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report. --Dave Barry
31
One of the greatest labor saving inventions of today is tomorrow. --Vincent T. Foss
32
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade. -- Harry Hill
33
Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished. -- Leslie Nielsen
34
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job. --Slappy White
35
A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error. --Dennis Miller
36
I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. --Jerome K Jerome
37
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse. --Dennis Miller
38
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
39
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
40
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done. --Fred Allen